On Second Chances.

After what feels like I very, very long day, I came to my weekly volunteering here as the Hotline. A place where I was looking forward to very much so today. [Quick plug, if you may have any questions about AIDS/HIV, Sexual Transmitted Diseases/Infections, or just general sexual health questions, please feel free to call AIDS Hotline at 800.235.2331 Mon-Thur 9-8p or Fri 9-5].

Explained in a past entry, there are a number of calls that can come through in a single shift. Some call for information or a quick referral, while others call for more serious inquiries in which we assess the situation together and then proceed to any available options at hand. Today, however, was a little bit different from the norm I have ever experienced.

Today, a man found out he was diagnosed with HIV. Today. HIV positive. And I am the first person he has spoken to about this and simply wanted to talk. Now, I have spoken to a number of people with HIV before but the difference then was that they already knew (and relatively, accepted) their diagnosis. This man, on the other hand, just found out about an hour ago. Let's just say, I did more listening than talking with this call.

Minus the details, a man who sounded like an intelligent person, a person that I would be friends with in my own life, a good head on his shoulders, and with every intention to do well and do good things, for one reason or another had a moment of slipped judgment and is now dealing with those consequences - this overwhelming, life-changing diagnosis - because of a succession of wrong decisions.

He just kept on mentioning on how he wish he could just get that 'second chance' where he could've done things differently and ... "how can it be, that the decision [he] made in that moment can potentially affect the rest of [his] life". He told me that before that point, he led a rather straight path. He had a stable upper management job at a business firm, had a stable relationship with a woman and was happy. But then a series of anomalies happened in his life that when things changed so drastically, he found himself imbalanced and resorted into behaviors that inevitable harmed him.

Though many of us may not or will not share the same grave outcome from a 'bad decision', I know that we can all relate to the sentiment of when we have done something wrong, the desire for that second chance to redeem ourselves. To be able to fully express the way we've envision ourselves to be.


We've all made mistakes. I've made many as well as many recently (-_-) and it seems as if it is always after the damage has been done, or when we are caught, or sort of consequence presents itself in response to our poor decisions, that we come face to face with our shortcomings. Why is it always in retrospect that we can reach these epiphanies? 

And because it does take time and certain circumstances to see this revelation, are we/should we/deserve to be granted a second chance? I would like to think so. We are not perfect human beings and because of this, if it wasn't for forgiveness or the second chance, or third chance, or fourth chance, we would go nowhere. For example, I wouldn't be where I am now with school, had someone not given me this second chance to pursue my dream. I'd like to think that in the field of medicine, I could provide for people that second chance to live a life more functional, more healthy, and more content by providing them an opportunity to reach the image of how they envision their lives to be.

Life shouldn't be so unforgiving, especially for people that are so imperfect.

I pray for that man tonight, and I hope that he can receive some form of his "second chance".  

On the AIDS topic.

I volunteer at an anonymous AIDS hotline, where people call in with inquiries about HIV, AIDS, STD, and the like. Typically, when someone calls, there's a good handful of questions about some genitalia abnormality or funky discharge and though we can offer some advice on what it may be, we're still not physicians at the end of the day.

The other night, however, was different from the mundane calls from the past. Not only did I speak with a couple of individuals with HIV but also, had a conversation with a man of high risk exposure. Today, I want to speak about three calls that resonated with me.

The first call, though extremely brief, was probably the most consequential. A woman recently diagnosed with HIV recently got turned down by her insurance to proceed with the following and necessary medications to hold her infection at bay. Her tone was angry, and her frustrations came through in her voice. I wanted to fight along with her; she had every right to be so. We fantasize and glorify the notable headway we've made in the medications, the progress we've made to find ways to prolong the life of a person with HIV, and even some new prophylaxis measures that would change the face of the AIDS epidemic. And yet, though there are these exhilarating solutions in our present world, it all comes with a monstrous cost and now, an insurance-company Cerberus that will DICTATE the prognosis of your HIV diagnosis by withholding your treatment. Sickening.

The second call I received, I had to recommend Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). A procedure, used for those that may be exposed to high risk scenarios, are given a cocktail of drugs that may decrease the chances of the virus transcribing into one's cells. Sure, I get a bunch of calls about the best time to wait to take an HIV exam (about 6 weeks, for "reliable" results. Gives the body enough time to create the antibodies needed to measure in an HIV exam. CDC recommends 25 days, however, this is only the majority of people. 3 months for those that are immuno-compromised, e.g. chemotherapy, auto-immune disease, transplants, etc.) or about how HIV is transmitted, but rarely and I mean rarely, do I actually get a call where there is someone that may be at high risk of HIV. I can hear the quivering in his voice, his sometimes nervous giggle as I attempt to make the situation seem less like a death sentence.

During training for these calls, we learn the facts, what to say, how to say it, et cetera. But you just never think that you'd need to pull the big guns out of your arsenal. I hope he listened and considers this option. Not just for the possibility of preventing other infections but more simply, for himself and his health. This is the imperative. This man, this individual case is not a statistic, not a potential risk of infection. He is a human being that has the options available to him to use to not become a person with HIV. The crazy thing is, what was on his mind was his partner and what he'd say to him about this and not him. I hope he can understand that though as important as his relationship may be to him, if he does not take care of this now with the resources available for him (i.e. PEP) there will be no him that would be enjoying any relationship.

The last call was a man with HIV for over a decade that resembled the story of my father. He was ousted because of his diagnosis and now, is exhausted with fighting this thing. At this point, the infection has allowed a number of O.I. (i.e. opportunistic infections), which now spread to his brain. He wants to end it, right then and there. He joked that now that he said he wanted to kill himself, would there be an ambulance at his door. I said, no since we were an anonymous hotline, I did not have access to him or where he may be located. I think he wanted to see if I would, though, had I had the resources. I almost felt a sense of disappointment when I told him there wouldn't [be someone with him] because I think in the end of the day, he just wanted to be with someone. To talk with someone or to sit without a reason or agenda.

People eventually identify themselves to be their diagnosis. He has forgotten who he was as a human being, because let's face it, this diagnosis has consumed his life, his hope, and his ability to fight for anything, let alone his own life. This man was suicidal and even more scary, he found a few good 'friends' willing to euthanize himself and take him from his pain. We spoke about the stigma of HIV and how prevalent it still exists in the 21st century, the gay community, Stonewall Uprising, in between all the suicidal thoughts. We ended the conversation sort of obscurely. I wanted to pray for him. I know he didn't ask for a prayer, nor did I tell him I was going to do so. I know, I know prayer doesn't erase his diagnosis nor the feelings he had today, but I pray that he remembers or experiences the life without the diagnosis. Even for a day. I think anyone deserves that, that freedom that lies in a healthy life. Makes you appreciative when you can wake up and not have to worry about your health.

If you didn't know, my father had passed away with AIDS. I do this [volunteering], so that I can help those that faced the same hardships as my father. I unfortunately was unable to give him the support that I'd like to believe I give these people, even if it may across a phone line.

Feel free to send me any questions about HIV, AIDS, etc. what constitutes as high risk, and so forth. My blog line is open.