On my Uncle.

The brother of my father, Dr. Sylvester Almiron, is an amazing man. It may seem obvious that he, being the physician of the family, would be the person I would want to emulate and find him not only significant but relevant. Yet the reason I honor him transcends beyond the stories of his practice in medicine and extends to the relationships he established and contributed to in addition to becoming a prominent clinician.

My uncle lives a life of faith. Even as a man of science and medicine, I see through his decisions and actions that his strong sense of hope and presence of strength comes from a belief that there exists an entity beyond him and his reason. This spiritual disposition is an understatement since my uncle’s father, my grandfather, is a pastor. When my uncle was a young boy, he would go with his father on home visits to those who were sick and whose families had asked the pastor to pray over them.

My uncle, after witnessing the praying over the sick, asked his father if there was more that they could do. And although prayer has its own power in it of itself, my uncle wanted a more tangible response to these physical ailments. It is in those moments where he discovered the medium of where he would do his ministry, through the field of medicine.

Another aspiring story that comes into mind is when my uncle established a prominent Filipino community in his hobby, tennis. There were not so much training grounds for those living in the suburbs of New York for the minority community. Most spaces were already preoccupied with a particular, exclusive tenants that were not as welcoming to him or his family. When the problem arose where his children had no space to play as well as no coaches to teach the, my uncle responded by building a tennis court in his backyard and then received his credentials to coach tennis. He stands as an awarded coach and a prestigious figure in his local tennis community.

My most significant memory of my uncle, however, goes back to that of my father. Although I was too young to understand the gravity of circumstances my father endured towards the later years of his life, I am grateful to say that my uncle was there in ways that I can only hope for. My father entered rather foreign territory when he became ill with a diagnosis that was of a novelty at that time and as appropriate as it was, my father’s brother happened to be a doctor. And although my uncle could not free him from his ails, his experience as a caretaker allowed him to provide a significant amount of support. Every month, my uncle would fly from New York to California to visit his little brother.

His life not only tells me how to become a successful physician but also on how to be a good person: a person of faith, a person of courage and most importantly, a person of compassion. What he has done and continues to do with his life inspires me and humbles me to not only become an amazing physician but to be a person of noble character as well. 

On Doubt.

I was unhappy for a very, very long time. The past couple of years of not-knowing, not being certain of any pathway that was available for me in order to pursue the career I wanted. Even with knowing what my vocation was, I still felt vulnerable, unhopeful, almost unhappy. Does unhappiness have to co-exist with uncertainty? When is anything certain?

I spoke to an old friend the other day, and caught up since it's been almost two years. Although we had so much to share, there were yet not enough words to exchange. We came to a discussion about how you just never know whether or not the person you may love, can leave at any one point. Disrupt the plans you may had in mind and question your self-worth. I should add that it was an ex-bf of four years. Weird conversation to have with a former lover. Let me tell you. Anyways, there seems to be this lingering doubt, until possibly one gets married, if that person you love now will stick it through the end. At any one point, love may depart. Which is fine and quite sufficient. Just painful sometimes, for both parties. So, goin back to the uncertainty, when you realize that this is [this, meaning life changing up on you] is all inevitable, then the real question is, what good can come from investing into something when the final outcome is not necessarily certain? When is it ever?

For the most part, these risks - this delving into the unknown has been good to me. Don't get me wrong, this jumping into the uncertain has made me semi-crazy. I write this with a tearful smile because it's taken me awhile to be here. Where, although I am not the most comfortable, I am content. Striving. Full. I have been wanting to feel like this for a very long time. After moving out to New York, I was so unsure about so many things. I moved without having a tangible future yet knew that what I had in San Diego was just not enough. I had to believe there was something at the end of the road, better than the life I had at the moment. Even now, I would have never thought that I would be here in Boston, in graduate school, in my own studio, single. Never thought I would be here but I am. And the scary part is - I am happy.

So even with all that doubt about where I will be, who I would be with, how it was all going to 'happen' - the outcome is still the same. I am grateful even though the ending result was not as originally hypothesized. Ultimately the energy to question was pointless. Because. Though life in itself is one huge ass variable, there was one constant. Me. As long as I can approach each circumstance, each decision, each relationship with my best effort, then I could trust that the "me" was enough. To doubt is predictable but not sustainable. Hope sort of finds its way through, even in the most skeptic. Now I'm not saying that  That even when you may not know the outcome, you still believe the world will work in your favor. Now, I'm not saying that you should throw your hands up in the world cuz the universe gots your back in everything or God is your homeboy, though all this can be true at times. I just don't believe that everything happens for a reason anymore. Because despite where you lie in favors with the world, you still need to put in your earnest labor towards whatever it is, with honest intention, and constant integrity. You. All you. 

People, decisions, plans, careers.. change often. And its a hell of a lot easier accepting that, even empowering to understand that those things constantly morph, at any one point, at times often what  deems as the worst time possible. The only bad thing you can do to hurt you is attach too much to whatever that is and so then when/if it flees, you are left with a lot less than expected. So, in my mother's words.. Do you first. When you have you, when shit hits the fan, that work you've put into yourself can't be 'taken away' by circumstance. Yet! 

To relish a little bit on my mother's motto of "you are the only one to take care of yourself in the end" as much as that is true - I would like to add one thing to it. Yes, you need to "do you" because there is this resilience to life that one needs to get/can get from within. But once that is 'down' - that strength of "yourself" is grounded. The only way it can be even more attenuated is when it (you) can extend beyond yourself and that world of y ours. When you use what you know, what you understand and be - with those around you - god it's just ridiculously awesome. Use those resources, those friends, use the support  - provide the support. For yourself and for others. The motivation, the core, of course needs to come from within, yes. But with the surmount of doubt that exists in the world, you need sometimes all the help you can get to stay just above water. Do you but mix it up a bit and mix it in with a little love from others. 

On what I Believe.

This is one of three of series for the Thanksgiving Holiday break. With the extra time for personal givings, food, and conversation, I thought this may be a good time to make this all happen. So as you digest your food, I too will be digesting some of my own sentimental meals. So if you find yourself bored of watching yet another rerun of the Thanksgiving Macy's parade. I'll be here hopefully as a light read. Bon Appetite!


They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe. (Mos Def)


You want to believe in something. Let it be Love. God, gods, USA Government, the Sciences. Medicine. Anything. I cannot imagine a world without that something, which exists in real space and time but lives in a way that is bigger than ourselves. Without it, I find it so difficult to live. The world is large enough already - with all its guts and glory, bullshit and ideals - it is way too easy to wander around aimlessly without there being something to ground yourself when things get shifted. Believing in something makes what is, concrete. Preventing the tilting that inevitably comes around when things seem to go to shit.

This feeling that someone believes in you, and you in them is insoluble.  Whether it is to a single person or to an institution, it is uplifting. The act of faith is intrinsic. Believing in others, as well as ourselves, is what we do. I want to believe in people. In myself. This may be a lame reference but when I was watching a  Modern Family episode, where Phil was talking to his father-in-law Jay Pritchett (Al Bundy) about whether or not he should leave his current job for a new one. Phil was hesitant and doubted whether or not he was capable of leaving, but Jay told Phil that he should "Gamble on yourself. I'd gamble on you" and with that, Phil made the big decision. But it was the believing in him, in his capabilities, in his goals. This extra support of faith that sustains us. It's so fulfilling in that it pushes us even past where we sometimes view ourselves. After watching the episode, I walked around school that day with a pep in my step. It also could've been the fact that I was on my 5th coffee that day. But, nevertheless, it was a good feeling.

Okay, let's be honest. What I wanted to really talk about is how much I believe in Love. So much in fact that it barfilicious. If only I put as much faith in myself as much as I put in this "in love" business, I'd be rich with arrogance. The good kind of course. When I look back at my old relationships, leaving some or having some leave, I always believed that there was this much higher power in Love that, as long as it was honest, it will find its place back in my universe. From my last relationship, my whole justification was that even though it was the end of a very long-term relationship, there was an evident love that was loss and that we did not have enough to sustain the connection. So, that it was. Grief but gone. This time, though, it is much more difficult to trust the end since I believe that our love is still sustainable, just the circumstances and schedules make it impossible to practice. So, is that how Love exists? Only when convenient. For all the times I have had a brief encounter with real love, no. So then how do I justify the ending of this story? Does Love still have my best interest in mind? Do I believe that Love still loves me? Agh so lame. 


For me, my love exists in a way much more intimate than a friend. So what do I do. Love but not.. I want to believe that the circumstances and priorities were main culprits here but then if that is the case, where does the love go? Is there a place where I can tuck this all away? I know that the conditions are so apparent and will not change anytime soon. But what am I supposed to do until then? Or is there even an 'until then' to wait for. No, there is isn't. I have always believed in Love. But now, I have evolved to this unfamiliar of becoming a skeptic. At this point, I don't know if it'll ever return or come back. Not necessarily the person, but Love. Whether as a new form, a new person, a new anything. I just don't know what to believe anymore.


I always did believe that with God, whenever faced with what felt like the most difficult tribulation, I could sit in it and believe that although it was as tortuous and unbecoming, there still lies this underlying benevolent intention from the universe. And with that, I could trust it more and allow it to do its thing. But this time, my heart lacks the faith. The weird thing is that I am where I am supposed to be physically, with my career, friends, heck even Boston. But this place where I sit now in my heart- is foreign, uncomfortable, sad. 


I want to believe. I want to practice this act of faith. I think the beauty of believing, particularly anything beyond the definition of you, is that more often than not, it is in the process of this faith, that we evolve into something in turn bigger than yourself. Something unimaginable tangible. I want to believe in something again, something beyond my limited perception and know how. I want this entity - may it be the institution of Love or faith in myself again, to consume me and bring me back to what is familiar. Where I am happy again.