On the Last Day of School.

Poor Entry. The titles keep on changing on this. It was first "On the First Day of School" then "On the First Day of the Second Semester" and now.. we're on the last day before finals. Awesome. Procrastination is real. Took me a good, what 9 mnths? Not bad, not bad at all.

My first intention was to write entries on those actual days so to capture that 'moment' right before we knew the outcome of it all. And yet, we're all still in that situation even after two semesters. For most of us, we don't know where we'll be as of next year for professional schools, much is relying on how we perform in the next couple days and the MCAT and - heck, for some of us, summer plans aren't even quite settled. All this is fun, aint it? Jumping for joy.

No, of course not. I don't know about you guys but I'm scared shitless. And yes, I know we all can play ducks. Where we are chillin on top, everything looking cool hanging out on the water but really our feet below is kicking around like crazy to keep afloat. I know, I know. Ducks aren't always treading but you get my point.

This year is going to big. Has been and continues to be. By the end of the year, we would of hopefully been invited to those very coveted interviews for medical school. Little secret, remember those people we saw during our first semester - the people on tour for their interviews?  I was envious of them. How they were in that part of the process, closer to the dream. Closer than I at least. I understand that we all have different paths and how we get here of there does not have to be so linear. And that, of course, is the beauty of our story. But. It's hard not to judge this whole process when its about comparison and scores and where you rank on this iron-clad ladder for medical school admissions. Also, side note, I wanted to kick their asses. Because I prematurely judged them for not knowing how lucky they really were. How oh so lucky. But the ass that needed the most kicking was obviously myself. So I used them as friendly reminders of how much more work I need to put in, for myself and for my dream.  

I remember sitting at the Keefer Auditorium listening to people who completed their first year, telling us the number of hours they studied, to read before class, to not fall behind.. It all seems so trivial now. What they should've just said was, Get your shit done. Well. And how ever way you do that or works for you, figure it out fast and do that constantly. And also how we all secretly wanted to beat one another and at one point had said "I didn't come here to make friends, I came here to do work!" And yet for the most part, we did both. Cuz Lord knows had I not had the support, the hugs, the coffee breaks - I would be insane. I'm pretty close to that now but imagine without my friends to keep me straight. Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

I believe we're good for it. All those hours and hours of work put into class, libraries, bed rooms until 2 in the morning. The amounts of coffee consumed, conversations we've had with one another to settle nerves or motivate us. All that and then some. None of it is wasted. We are finally learning what we want from ourselves, asking our selves, our bodies, our minds to work and expand and become something that it needs to be in order for us to be where we want to be. We have a glimpse of the life we want, and we all know we want it that bad. With that, let's kill these finals. Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock. Time to make our mommas proud.

This year is going to be a big. I can feel it in the core of my bone marrow.

On a Friday Evening.

I always put this disclaimer that I am the way the I am, because my mother was a single parent. A lot goes into that definition; more than I think what people give it credit. I have many friends, family, even a best friend, that have children, and I wonder how it would be for them if they did not have their partner. What would that mean for them if they had to raise their children on their own, without their spouse? How would their lives be different?

My mother is alone. I am alone, as well but in a different way. I finally have a place to my own. Not to say that I didn't have my own apartment(s) before or my own space that I can call home though I had roommates, it's just this time it feels different. Even though this is the same space I shared with my other in the past, I feel like this time around I'm getting exactly what I've always wanted. Quietness. Control of my space and time. Peace. 

It may not be the city that I wanted to dwell in, but it is for the reason I've always wanted it to be. Graduate school has been something that was a long time coming. But it is also the state of mind that I've always wanted to be. I'm not sure what exactly I'm missing, what I yearn for, or the direction of where I'm going. I do know I'm a lot closer than what I was before, and I believe it'll become more clear to me as time goes by. I saw the development that CS went through, and though I've shared a number of circumstances that challenged my core, nothing comes as gratifying as completing an academia program. A graduate program, nevertheless. I actually received a plaque of his from graduation, shaking the hand of the Dean. Someone important, of course, though we do not know her name. The plaque is pretty simple: His Name, Boston University School of Medicine, Class 2011. It's concise and beautiful. 

Getting back to my mother, there is something I've always known but not experienced until now. How much I respect her for where she is. Now, I'm not saying that you MUST be single to feel this sense of "self" because I do know a handful of people that are as certain of who they are and indulged in a number of relationships, but my mom is trucking along, whether or not due to her own choices or something that just "happened" to her. I'm so proud of her. I don't know if I were in the same position, if I can perform with such grace and perseverance. 

People give her a hard time in saying that she's over protective with me, that she's wrapped her life around mines in place of hers. This may have been true, and to an extent still is, but if you think of every relationship that you've been in. When wasn't your husband or wife was the center of your universe.. or you child.. or children.. or career? My mother, though has her share of flaws, indulged in me as much as needed to. I can't judge her for the way she loved me. I don't think any of us can, when it comes to the people we love the most. 

I've completely digressed from what I thought I was going to say, shoved in a couple other subjects in the mix, and left a good hour in between this paragraph and the previous. My point of this rant is, my mom is cool for d doing what she does every day. I'm just getting a piece of that now. Grant it, I don't have the luxury of the friends and family that are local. But I'm hanging in there cuz my mom has. If she can do it, I can do it, too. So bring it on graduate school, alone in Bostonia. I ain't scared of ya! Growl!