On a Woman's Needs.

A woman's needs. My needs. Endless, it seems. Agh and the worst is denying those needs, makes me want it even more. But when I can't name what I want, let alone admit it to myself.. then all goes to shit. The WORST is when I fill that one single need with other things.. Oi vei!

We all hungry for it. Probably more than what we would ever want to admit to ourselves. I know that it may be somewhat presumptuous for me to say that this is something we all want but I highly doubt that what I feel is completely foreign. This feeling, this need. To be loved. It's universal and not limited to gender. It is of our strength and our weakness that we humans are able to do this - love! How lucky we are. I want it. More than ever. And not necessarily in terms of a relationship, although I would be totally remiss if I was to say that I am completely closed to it. And whether or not that happens for me again, where I can say I love a man, my current obsession lies not so much in our ability to love but more on what we do to be loved. We are crazy. What we do to be of someone's affection, either directly or indirectly.

For example, let us examine what I did in middle school. I saw my crush playing basketball and so wanted to play but wasn't wearing a cute outfit. So, most logical thing to do for me, was go home, change for a shameless amount of time and then come back, only to see that he already left. Wasn't so smart back then, let it be said. I want to kick the kid-version of myself. Heck, even the adult version sometimes. Ha! 

But the point is, don't we all sort of do this to some extent, in some version, in our current lives? Where how we present ourselves to people become so vitally important, in particular to those of potential (or even, current) lovers of ours? Why is that? What is it that the clothes we choose to wear or how our hair is, become so seemingly relevant. Note, this is not limited to just exterior traits. Our internal features are also included. Just the main difference, and sorta the beauty of it in a way, is that there are less creative ways to fake a less attractive soul. Whoa sorry slight regression, with a hint of resentment. Anyways! 

How we present ourselves. What we do with our lives. Where we spend our energy. How we use our time. All molto importante. Why we do what we do, why it even matters to us. Of course, in the end of the day, we do what we do for ourselves and for no other reason. We do 'what makes us happy'. But would you be upset with me if I were to say, that in part of what makes us happy, is knowing that what we do is not only accepted but also appealing to others? That a part of us wants that feeling that - who we are, what we value, what drives us and motivates us to live the life we've chosen, is something someone finds attractive and dare I say, worthy of love and respect? I'm not saying that we only do whatever we think is accepted by another. With that kind of intention, integrity to oneself would be compromised. What I am saying is, that wanting to be loved is real and tangible. Because! When we don't love, when it may not be returned, either from our family or our friends or our lovers - what we do to fill that void, to compensate, to numb and "be okay" becomes real. We obsess over, occupy ourselves with, to keep ourselves busy, so to not feel the real ramifications of actual loneliness, of being alone. We almost do so subconsciously; to remedy this sentiment of being unloved. I felt it before. We all have. And in turn, did x, y, z things to not feel that way. Unloved.

What I'm trying to say, thought it may not be as obvious, is this. Don't judge the need. It's scary, I get it. Because unlike any of our other needs like food, water, warmth, etc. There isn't necessarily a direct place for you to go to or even if you are "there" it'd be gauranteed. It is a lot less active on our part, less under our control. Our need to be loved by another is not our say. ...Dammit, Freewill! But what we can do in the meantime, and what I'm hoping is enough, is to be authentic and honest with ourselves and with others. And with faith, believe that who we are, and choosing to be every day, is beyond sufficient for love. Hmm, there is one other option to fill one's needs but I'd rather leave that for another entry, another day..

On the Greatest Commandment.

"with all your heart,
with all your soul,
and with all your mind."


The Greeks knew what was up when attempting to define Love. They knew that the word we may use to express our adoration for others, for ourselves, or for a God, can not be shared with an admiration for things like a certain object  or hobby. I doubt that when we say we love someone, it is the same love that we have for our favorite food. Although, there are some ice creams that I would trade for certain people. (Just kidding, I would never put myself in a position where I would have to choose between the two.)


I do not want to believe that love is the act of self-sacrifice. I've done that before and got results that we're not sexy. He says it isn't too. Rather, He says that Love is loving another person as yourself. A pretty tricky balance, I do have to say. But it is the only balance vital to a more perfect Love. Sitting on one end of the balance more than another, gives what I believe a less, whole person. 


On one end, in order for me to extend myself, to share myself, to love another human being, I have to be whole. I need  to be able to answer the questions, why would anyone love me, by myself before I can expect anyone else to answer that exact question. I must represent a love that is honest, within. And if I can't do that, and I wasn't able to for awhile, then I fill this part of me with a void, a 'love' that is half-hearted and unfulfilling. As great as I would want to belong to people, I must be able to sit with myself and have that same joy without them. Lately, I've had the time to sit and I fidget a hell of a lot. Yet, the outcome of this uncomfortability is strengthening. I'm falling in love with me all over again, and it's pretty fun.


On the other end, I also believe that the process of loving another person is as empowering, challenging, and self-gratifying as with yourself. Whether intimately in a relationship, with your family, with the stranger on the street, we contribute to one another in a way that can be as soul-fullfilling. It's like a muscle fiber in parallel (yes, I'm bringing it with Physiology in this). Muscle, in series, generate the same amount of force when just side by side. Developing a force independent to one another. The end result is as if there was just one giant sarcomere, like a chain. No difference in force capability. But when a sarcomere is in parallel, we are able to generate a greater force together than just one. Life is a bitch. We need the added support, the extra love, the extension of ourselves from one another from time to time, to become a greater "force" than what we are on our own. I know this to be true because I would not be here had it not been the summation of other people's love for me. I would like to think that it is the same for them, for those that I was able to share my love and compassion as well.


The best part of all of this, the beauty behind what makes love Love is that this can all occur simultaneously. Love is dynamic and can not be compartmentalized. I think it is in this push and pull in our lives that we can create a more a complete image of ourselves. Love is in its own, His image. He is Love. It says so, on my ring. It must be true.  And if that is the goal, to love Him, ourselves, and others synchronously - to make it just one big ass dance together in this party called life.  Then, I believe everything else follows :) He said so himself. 

"This is the greatest and the first commandment.The second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself. "