On the "G" Spot.

Not sure what the "G" stood for. First hypothesis, "good" ha. Then I googled it.

It's German, "Grafenberg". Anyways, its not the 'area' of what I want to talk about, per se. It's more of the human psyche than anatomical location that I'm interested in. A spot, where you're gooood. Whether professionally, personally, psychologically, physically and any other 'p' way to describe yourself, a place where you are simply content. When others ask how you are, you are able, within those 2 seconds to reflect on your life, to say that you're good and actually mean it.

Now, where is this G-Spot? Does it exist? What does it look like to you.. For some, that 'good' spot is when you're in that exclusive relationship. For others, it's when they finally get accepted to a coveted program or obtain their dream job. Whatever it is, it's that moment when your dreams, aspirations, goals, expectations intersect with the indisputable reality. 

Ugh I'm so not there. And the worst/hardest part of it all, is that I judge myself that I'm not. I'm 20-something and pissed for not making the "right" priorities, "right" sacrifices, "right" choices. Because had I, I wouldn't be where I am right now, right? 

God who knows. For those who aren't God-friendly may not get this, but sometimes I wonder if it was always me in the end of the day, to blame, that I'm not in this good spot in my life. Where God's like, here's an opportunity to be really happy, and then I'm the one fucking it up every single time. Thank God He's much more forgiving than I am. My mom and I often argue about whether or not I made the "right" decisions in my life; the worst is that I feel I can't justify any of my choices until I give her the golden goose. And maybe, that's the point. I shouldn't justify any of my choices. Because, they aren't worth defending.

And the worst part is, by saying that, I feel like if I'm discrediting and denying each memory, each relationship - platonic or otherwise - that arose from these fortunate detours. Moments where I got to share a stage with people and dance hip hop, where I would walk and passed by the Empire State building like it's NBD, sit hours in a mini-van for the sole purpose to preach about sex and consent. Someone said to me, your life seems so exciting. And my first reaction was surprisingly annoyed, almost angry. Key word ya'll: seems. Who cares that I have these 'cool' stories in my repertoire. Yeah, yeah I get to talk about co-directing a show or going to a ball. But really, who cares. Those memories are brief; they don't change the lives of others. I have friends with splendid, over the top lifestyles and showered with coveted degrees and accolades. I have many, many friends currently already doctors, let alone the large handful I have now that got accepted. I have multiple friends overseas doing grand gestures in third-world countries. I have a supermodel friend turned national media figure. Another with a million hits on YouTube, then a few more with a show in Vegas. I have friends engaged, married, and on their second child, not all at the same time, of course. Blah this need for perspective needs to come quick.

What to get from this isn't that "G" stands for envy. No. I am painfully excited for my friends and for their lives. I know my successes are not contingent to theirs. And I know part of this discomfort I can blame is our social infrastructure like Facebook, where we get this constant display of Hey! Look what I'm doing now! kind of business that reminds the "rest of us" where we may not be.. at the moment. Of course, we're happy that our friends are getting XYZ but it's sometimes, hard to find that space in our worlds where we can feel good about the choices we made, let alone the people we are now (becoming). That happy, little G-spot.

I need to give myself a little credit. I forget sometimes that I didn't come from the most traditional family unit. Sometimes, even then, I wonder if that even has an effect.. Had an interesting, couple of childhood experiences (again, still wonder if there's any influence). And some other adventures along the way, and - in a good way - still ended up like this. I know right now, my mind has a very limited perception of what my "G-spot" is. I have a vision of where it is, how I would feel when I get there. But for now, it all just seems like a myth. I am in a place in my life where I feel I am miles upon miles upon miles where I want to "be". My thoughts, my body, my career, my relationships. And all I can think of, is how utterly ungrateful I must sound. Please don't mind me if I'm not making any sense.. Just drive on by. Nothing to see here.. And the worst feeling is, I can't even fake it. I want to 'show face' that I'm cool and comfortable in my own skin. But I'm not. Not at this moment. And I know this self-imposed vulnerability is probably not the sexiest thing ever. But so is playing this coy and (un)comfortable facade. Stating this sentiment on a public forum, again, maybe not one of those "good" choices I made. Nevertheless, I feel strangely lighter and only slightly embarrassed. I know none of you could ever feel like this since ya'll are super human beings but in case you do, know I'm right there with you. Happy Finding your G-Spot every one.. Wait.. what?! Just kidding. But really. 

On Gold.

The past two months have been a bitch. One hell of a bitch. Had the highest of my highs and the lowest of my lows. And, why?

Because I gave my value, my self-worth to someone, to anyone, to no one.. but myself. Where does that lead to? [Detroit, jk hah]. Where does that bring me to understand my worth by serving it to anyone else that does not know all of me other than myself. We see ourselves, each and every day, we spend the most time with ourselves. We share the most deepest secrets, share the best moments of laughter, with ourselves. Not any one person in our lives, no matter how much we love them or spend every minute of our days with them, will never ever (never ever?) get to know you better than yourself. No one. So then, why do we leave it to others to tell us who we are - what we would need to be - what our choices should represent - and more importantly, what our worth or value is to this world?

I gave it to him. To him. A person that could not understand me for the life of me. Who had this image, this passing thought of who he thought I was. He wanted me to be the "best person I can be" which in his eyes, meant to be a doctor. The dream I created and generated for my own self. But what is it, though he would never admit it, would never be enough for him. And why, why why why would that fucking matter. I am lame. Cool but so lame, sometimes. I wanted that for myself and it became a dream that I had to achieve to be "worthy" of love. Fuck that. I am aware this makes me look like a fool. But that is not to say, that I am pretty sure that ya'll have been here before. This sentiment. This feeling of low. Where your life was held in the hands of another - an institution, an admissions board, a family member or dear friend, a lover or crush. We all have put ourselves in a position, so vulnerable, and inevitably harmful to our most precious goods. 

So [I] don't care whether you give me pity, I don't want it but can see why you'd feel that towards me as I describe to you my past life. Nevertheless, I put it out there, this vulnerability because it took me forever to understand this and hopefully you can find value in my very few words: your self worth has nothing to do with ___. Ever. Because for some strange reason, what they think of you, how they think of you, where they see you as, and how they can benefit from you, your love, your attention matters... will always be biased, selfish, and un-focused on you. Only you know whatever is, can, and will be. 

For a person that you spend the most time with, the person you get to talk to the most, argue with, sleep with, every single day - is yourself. Get to know 'em and be damned surprised when yourself comes out in ways you would have ever imagined. The way you have dreamt yourself to be, known yourself to be - because of your ancestors, your legacy, and your self. Because in the end of the day, isn't that person matter the most? 

I end with this more positive, lighter note. When asked how much I was worth, my aunt said to me it was gold. "If I can wrap you in gold, I would. And yet even then you are far more worth than that. But you should know that for yourself and not because I told you." So there. Remember this for today. Not because I told you are but because you are. Golden.