On a Woman's Needs.

A woman's needs. My needs. Endless, it seems. Agh and the worst is denying those needs, makes me want it even more. But when I can't name what I want, let alone admit it to myself.. then all goes to shit. The WORST is when I fill that one single need with other things.. Oi vei!

We all hungry for it. Probably more than what we would ever want to admit to ourselves. I know that it may be somewhat presumptuous for me to say that this is something we all want but I highly doubt that what I feel is completely foreign. This feeling, this need. To be loved. It's universal and not limited to gender. It is of our strength and our weakness that we humans are able to do this - love! How lucky we are. I want it. More than ever. And not necessarily in terms of a relationship, although I would be totally remiss if I was to say that I am completely closed to it. And whether or not that happens for me again, where I can say I love a man, my current obsession lies not so much in our ability to love but more on what we do to be loved. We are crazy. What we do to be of someone's affection, either directly or indirectly.

For example, let us examine what I did in middle school. I saw my crush playing basketball and so wanted to play but wasn't wearing a cute outfit. So, most logical thing to do for me, was go home, change for a shameless amount of time and then come back, only to see that he already left. Wasn't so smart back then, let it be said. I want to kick the kid-version of myself. Heck, even the adult version sometimes. Ha! 

But the point is, don't we all sort of do this to some extent, in some version, in our current lives? Where how we present ourselves to people become so vitally important, in particular to those of potential (or even, current) lovers of ours? Why is that? What is it that the clothes we choose to wear or how our hair is, become so seemingly relevant. Note, this is not limited to just exterior traits. Our internal features are also included. Just the main difference, and sorta the beauty of it in a way, is that there are less creative ways to fake a less attractive soul. Whoa sorry slight regression, with a hint of resentment. Anyways! 

How we present ourselves. What we do with our lives. Where we spend our energy. How we use our time. All molto importante. Why we do what we do, why it even matters to us. Of course, in the end of the day, we do what we do for ourselves and for no other reason. We do 'what makes us happy'. But would you be upset with me if I were to say, that in part of what makes us happy, is knowing that what we do is not only accepted but also appealing to others? That a part of us wants that feeling that - who we are, what we value, what drives us and motivates us to live the life we've chosen, is something someone finds attractive and dare I say, worthy of love and respect? I'm not saying that we only do whatever we think is accepted by another. With that kind of intention, integrity to oneself would be compromised. What I am saying is, that wanting to be loved is real and tangible. Because! When we don't love, when it may not be returned, either from our family or our friends or our lovers - what we do to fill that void, to compensate, to numb and "be okay" becomes real. We obsess over, occupy ourselves with, to keep ourselves busy, so to not feel the real ramifications of actual loneliness, of being alone. We almost do so subconsciously; to remedy this sentiment of being unloved. I felt it before. We all have. And in turn, did x, y, z things to not feel that way. Unloved.

What I'm trying to say, thought it may not be as obvious, is this. Don't judge the need. It's scary, I get it. Because unlike any of our other needs like food, water, warmth, etc. There isn't necessarily a direct place for you to go to or even if you are "there" it'd be gauranteed. It is a lot less active on our part, less under our control. Our need to be loved by another is not our say. ...Dammit, Freewill! But what we can do in the meantime, and what I'm hoping is enough, is to be authentic and honest with ourselves and with others. And with faith, believe that who we are, and choosing to be every day, is beyond sufficient for love. Hmm, there is one other option to fill one's needs but I'd rather leave that for another entry, another day..

On Those Big Questions.

It all started when a number of people asked me, "Why aren't you married yet?" 

Now, I can take it two ways. Those that asked knew me when I was in these long term relationship. And so it was assumed that in due time that the 'next step' would be that. Major deductive fallacy. And thank God that it is.. Or, they think that I'm "a nice girl" and that it's surprising that I haven't "caught someone" yet.. agh, seriously?! Grant it, most of these friends are from childhood or high school, so they aren't up-to-date with my current status quo. So, what seems like this irrelevant question to me is actually something appropriate despite these inconvenient feelings I have. I mean, we've all heard them before. Just in different forms. You know, those questions that if unable to provide an adequate response, a sense of discomfort and almost inadequacy rushes on by.. 

What college are you planning to go to? What are you doing after you graduate? Where are you going to move? What kind of work do you do? Are you dating someone? Do you love him (or her)? What's your next step? When are you guys having a baby?

I cringe to some of these questions, which is funny because I actually have answers to some of them! What I think makes these questions sometimes so difficult is that unless we have these stellar answers at hand that 1) not only are the answers people want to hear but also are 2) something that we are proud to say for ourselves. That is not to say that we do things in hopes to impress another person, per se. But there is this definite and almost immediate satisfaction when being ourselves leaves a positive impression with others, i.e. what we do and even more so who we are, are not only accepted but also attractive. 

The reality is that there are these certain steps, these presumed check boxes of things we need (?) to accomplish in our lives. School, job, marriage, home, children, etc. Okay, maybe not all of it but it is suggested, in that order. And for good even logical reason, I believe. Now, before you go and hate on my lack of unconventional ways, I say this only because I am a clear byproduct of all that is non sequitur. Trust me, in that I am not coming from this high horse of conventionality, looking down to those who did not follow this proposed path. I respect and even appreciate the life I experienced, thus far. But I also wonder, would some of those difficulties, despite the lessons and the character I derived from those experiences (which mind you, wasn't always an easy task to find that damn silver lining) could I still have been as 'good' of a person given a more direct route. My friends that lived a more linear and traditional life are they not of the same value as I? And vise versa? If then we are valued the same, then why did my route to the same endpoint became so much more ___- consuming.

I hate that I can't give people more direct answers now in my life. I always was able to, until now. And yet, I am the first person to tell you that I am grateful for the path I've had. I just question its necessity if there may have been a shorter route.  The quickest way from one point to another is a direct line. Given any deterence from that line, there is more time, more money, more energy put into that path. I leave this now with yet another question. Why? Why would that matter - in a specific time - in a specific way? Why do we think that our proposed 5-year plan is best? Why are expectations of others mean so much to me, to you, to anyone? Why. ... Okay but seriously, Why?

On Sex.

It's hard to explain to people what I've been doing this past month..

No, not "the sex" but the talking of it. If it wasn't obvious via Facebook posts and pictures, I am a proud, proud member of this production called Speak About It. Though it would be easy to call it the show about 'sex' or the show about 'rape' its actually far from that. There is a more staple description that describes it as a show on "consent, boundaries, and healthy relationships". And yet, that doesn't give it justice. 

The other day I had to explain why I wanted to be part of this show. There's shallow and other less shallow reasons. One reason is a friend of mine knew I was involved with Vagina Monologues and thought I'd be a good fit. Another is that it worked with my schedule and needed money for applications. True but more of an effect than a cause. The real reason? Well, that answer is a little less convenient. Now, I'm not trying to rehash the same stories from my past (Read: On Vaginas) or something rather recent (On Going To Far) but it is because of those moments, because those feelings of 'losing power' were way too consuming and too familiar; I then had the opportunity, the medium to do the one thing I did not do before. Speak. 

My most unfortunate moments that dealt with sex were in the moments that issues, facts, limits.. were not discussed. And because of that. Because of that lack of communication. People got hurt. I got hurt. These few weeks where I got to talk, to use my voice, to speak to others about sex, about relationships, about consent, about boundaries in forms of monologues and scripted words, to engage in this dialogue has been so enticing. It hits me right in the G spot of my soul. And from talking about it, I realized a common thread to my sexual narratives. Now before your mind plunders into that gutter, this is not an entry about the sexual endeavors of my life. Sorry. Need a little more beers before I may delve into that material. Rather, this is a hypothesis to you on what I believe makes sex so sexy. It's the unknown. It is taboo, encrypted, mystique, an enigma. Exciting and fun, yet can also be dangerous. But the thing is, the thing we all forget about, as we're hiding it under the sheets is this very important thing.. How great it really is. How sex earns its provocativeness not from its secrecy but from its very existence. Sex is great. It does not need to be shoved under the rug. What it needs is to be in the light, to show off. It is. A very, very beautiful thing. But it is in the context of how we use it and what purpose we have it serve in our lives that must be conscientious and honest about, at all times, with ourselves and our partners. 

Sex rears its ugly head only when certain rules are not played, acknowledged, respected. When lines are crossed or a dialogue is missing, when people don't know what they don't want and are not willing to explore those desires, when people can't voice their needs or don't know what they need to know; when all this communication is lost, particularly in the context of sex, things can get fucked up (no obvious pun intended). When we use sex in ways to hurt people or compromise their health, that's where we're wrong. That is when we turn what is good, into something ugly and even sustainably painful. Whether it was the story of my father or the stories of my childhood or more recently, the stories I've created as an adult.. I can't help but wonder that if I/my family/my friends had the sex talk (and I don't mean the ol' birds & bees spiel) but rather an honest conversation of what sex means and the responsibility that comes along with it - would had happen to me could have been prevented or at least, been less severe? 

I realized I can do this for days.. the talking, of course, not so much the sex. That requires a different type of endurance, womp womp. But I'll end with this. Conversation is the new foreplay. Nothing's more sexy than the opportunity and ability to say what you want and what your needs are, both in the sack and in life.
So, honor people's words and their bodies even better.

A shameless but well-worthy plug of the show, Speak About It!

The Show, the Cast, and of course, the Facebook.

On Ex-Boyfriends.

To my ex-boyfriends. I was a horrible girlfriend and heck, even ex-girlfriend. Okay, maybe not totally true. But there was an obvious end to those relationships. Something I did or didn't do brought it to its final point. Although I'd like to believe that when we did have moments of pure love, they were, in part, because of me. I worked really hard in my relationships, and I want to believe that we dated for as long as we did because it was good. I mean, the 'shortest' of my relationships was the most recent, a mere 3 years.

I have made choices in the past that were self-centered and hurtful towards those I cared for, both during and after our relationships. And I believe in some twisted way, it was what I received is what I deserved. Not to say the universe always plays with this quid pro quo rules but that sometimes it conveniently does. I cheated in a long standing relationship, then later got cheated on in another. Interesting concept. This idea of (in)fidelty. And yes, I can complain to the universe how "karma's a bitch" but that's so uncreative. If anything, She's become my teacher of compassion, empathy, and wisdom.

Despite the obvious, this entry is not so much about how 'ex-boyfriends are lame' or a diatribe on my last relationship. Far from it. If anything, I would want to happily reminisce of this man I dated in college. How sweet that after four years or so, we briefly spoke across an email and both came to peace with how we ended. And for the record, the email was in no way like what the recent ex-boyfriend did. #sy #majorfail 

When I emailed my college boyfriend, it wasn't an excruciating tedious, unnecessarily lengthy, pompous laundry list of the sins committed in the relationship that I wrote in order to clear my name so that I can change my Facebook status to 'in a relationship' and not feel guilty about it.....ahem.. No. Rather, I sent him an apology after a few years past. As genuine as I could with this understanding of the pain I caused him and acknowledging that although it does not change our current situation, I was apologetic for treating him with such lack of respect for a person I loved. Anyways, the email went something like, how I loved him and how I hoped he understood my poor choices was never a reflection of him. The pain I caused was unnecessary and that he was a good man. He responded as simple as, 'I am grateful for the time when we were young and in love. That is what I remember and happy I shared with you.' The unfortunate reality is that we, as people, do fall out of love with another. That is not exceptional. But how we do that, how we transition from current to ex's is delicate and is not always intended to be this messy free fall. It's difficult in maneuvering through this evolution of un-loving someone - a person that you were the most intimate with, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, daily - and knowing that transformation of that relationship ending can be handled in ways of respect and dare I say, love? Even if it may be residual.

Soo, I hung out with someone the other day and he mentioned to me this beautiful rendition of his last break up. He spoke so highly of his ex-girlfriend despite the expiration of their relationship. It was graceful, almost sweet. And I get it. Call me naive but I think my original problem was that I assumed that all the relationships I entered were going to be 'forever' and when it didn't, I was resentful and angry. It took me a while to accept that people can come in and out of your life, whether be for a night or three years and that is a-okay! It's lived it's course, as organically as possible, with a beginning and an end. But just because the party's over and it's time to leave, don't leave it as a hot mess - hold some dignity, respect, and heck, maybe a little love during that inevitable departure. 

On a Date.

So went on my first official date sometime last week. Like met a guy at a bar. Exchanged numbers. No friendly lines, just shameless-flirtatious crap. He picked me up, paid for dinner, possible kiss good night. The whole bit. And if I could sum up the experience in one word, it'd be: awkward. And the funny thing is that after hanging out with him, surprisingly, I may want to date again. Not him. But dating, major possibility. I just don't want to "date" people that are I think are hot or because they stroke my ego or because I'm lonely. I'm just done dating people that I know I wouldn't want to spend my time with. I want to share my time, my energy, my thoughts with men that I believe complement me. Challenge me. After being in each others company, makes me feel good, warm, content. Like in the heart, not necessarily down south. I want to leave after spending time with him, with the biggest and goofiest smile on my face. That, I think, is the definition of the best date ever. Not the after, per se. Though sometimes that can attentuate an even more awesome date if that be the case.

So the dude. He's the "guy from the bar" guy. Musician I met at Beehive. Cute. Skinny. Aka, I have bigger calves than him. Which reminds me, I need to date bigger men. Almost a jerk at first glance and yeah, sorta was. But you can't judge a person by his looks. Oh wait, you totally can. Ha. And as much as I don't wanna judge the process - I mean, I do have an amazing story of a best friend meeting her now husband at a bar - I would like to be realistic and think that the world won't be as generous with me as with them. But if this "dating" thing may be an activity I may partake in, how and where do I play? I've only dated only guys I've dated. Aka, never been friends before, which may be the reason why those past relationships failed. We jumped in with such strong agendas and never got to be ourselves vs. ourselves on-the-prowl. We'd jumped the chute and held hands before we knew each other's stance on politics and sex. As for dating my friends, I know there's some discrepency that its "not worth sacrificing" the friendship, I think sometimes it is. (Although, I'd be shocked if any of current guy friends find this attractive since some of them know me way too well/I'm way too comfortable around them. Definitely do not bring the sexy back when in their presence). So, not totally against that either. And for the record my buddies are pretty cute. Would totally tap that.

Anyways, back to the date. I felt like an asshole. Particularly, when he tried to hold my hand and I just slapped at it like a low-high five. It looked like we were playing patty-cake as we were walking down the street. In the end of the day, the reason why those pseudo-dates aren't dates is because my mental space isn't there. I know you can't plan this stuff out and trust me on this, I hate compartalmentalizing my life. Not a cute way to live. But for just this moment, where I can just breathe and figure out what the hell my needs are, is just too delicous right now. After almost 8 years of this, I need this more than ever. Wait, am I shifting my stance on dating again in a single entry? Hah I most certainly am. Last thing, I swear..

I want to believe that I may be able to date someone again, if/when the universe deems fit. I also may never date again too. Another real option I may need to spoon the idea of. But one thing I most certainly do now, is make decisions of how I use my time and energy in ways that make me happy either at the moment and/or for the future. Because, though you would never want to do this to "attract a mate" just imagine how attractive it is, for a person to see another being simply enjoying their own company and building the lives they want for themselves, every day. Sexiest thing ever. And by doing so, imagine the bees attracted to that sweet ass honey. Would you want someone attracted to you based upon the decisions you make and not because you wore a cute outfit to the bar? Shouldn't dating be just about that? The sharing of two lives of two very amazing people. Ha, that is the goal.

On Cocky Ass Bastards.

Cocky.. Ha. No pun intended.

So, to switch things up a little bit, I have a question for everyone. Why do you guys either 1) I want to be more than friends with them or 2) that if I was looking for someone, that it'd be them? I get it. I obviously like people, hanging out with them, sharing conversations over coffee and/or beer, heck I even show affection. Touching the arm, pat on the back. I like my pseudo-dates with friends. Sometimes, I send borderline flirtatious texts. Do I want somethin out of it? No, so stop "reading" into it. This is not also limited to my guy friends. Same rules apply to my lady friends. Trust me, my love knows no boundaries.. Unfortunately. I adore my friendly 'dates' with my friends - it's everything minus the spooning in the end. As for my man friends, there is this unfortunate trend. 

I literally had so much more guy friends the beginning of the year. Then, one by one. Each one whittled away. Either because they wanted more, explicitly (no assumptions here, trust me). Or they made the assumption that I wanted more, because Lord knows, who wouldn't want to be with them (sarcasm pouring out here) and didn't want to lead me on. Muther effers. Either way, someone did not get something as expected/wanted something. But for the record. I don't want anything, from anyone. An honest, sincere, loving friendship would be great. But that's all for the moment, folks. Really.

Why is it that my intentions can be easily misconstrued as something more than a friendship with the attracted sex? Does it go back to that age old sayin that men and women can't be just friends? I doubt it. But def feels that way. Who set up all-or-nothing? Like because we exist sans sexual tension, for the moment or for ever, why withhold the friendship? Pompous. I feel, once a guy either thinks I want more or realized that I want to be just friends.. they check out. As potential lovers, passing flings, FWBs but more importantly, we lose that real opportunity to be friends. Which despite all indications I may present, is all I ever really wanted.

Was Harry (with Sally) onto something? Is it not possible to be just friends because there this lurking agenda that one of the two, or two of the two for that matter, wants to sleep with the other at the end of the day.. I mean, night? Heh. Quick disclaimer: I do not mean this btwn men and women - this can go for men with men or women with women. Gender is irrelevant here. Anyways, what I am slowly (and sadly) realizing is that I have lost a number of guy friends over time. I would hate to think it's because I have changed in some way or dun dun duun, changed for the worse. I don't think so. Or else, that would be all my friends, not just the dudes.

Get over yourself. To make it easier for the both of us, let the record show, I will not fall for you. I promise, there is no way I will/want anything with you. Now. Or ever. So, get over it and give me back our friendship, please. I'm so sick of this. [Picture was added later.. and even then, it's still implying the "possibility". Don't even want that. I want to laugh, talk, hug. I don't want a boyfriend. Let it be said. No "start off" just at that moment. Good.]

On the Human Spirit.

Wrote this back in March. Which, coincidentally, helped my secondaries a bit. For myself more than anything. Definitely didn't copy and pass this one for applications. <3 elle

These past couple weeks, I've been outside of myself. Doing things that only youngin's do. Now I joke around that I'm this old lady, all the time. I know that is far from the truth, but I do have to say there is a sort of an advantage of where I sit. And its not so much the number of years that has passed but rather, because in those years I've been able to experience a number of things that not every one gets the chance to feel. A family death, an abuse as a child, a fracture, love, and amongst other things. 

Funny thing I'm actually screening this list, so to not have people think that I'm making this up. It all starts to sound like a joke but it's not. It's my life. And by saying that I went through certain things its never for bragging rights. Nor would I ever wish this for anyone, or have these experiences to make me "cooler" because I went through them. I guess, my sharing allows air to them, had I kept them inside. Sometimes, I think it's for a sense of validation from you but that's more of a scary thought to think that its true. 

After all that I've gone through, I still question resilience. The spirit. The thing that we all can't see but do.

I question if that still lives in me. This agility of the spirit. Have I lost it. I would not be here, to be able to smile, to joke around, to be the joke, to have good sustainable friendships, to be able to pursue the things in my life, if I did not believe that that existed. To move on from that shit that I found myself in and/or put myself through. Had I not had this, this "spirit", I really don't know where I would be right now.

People call it faith, some call it religion. But in the end of the day, it is this almost elusive version of ourselves that we 'feel' resides within. It has to. Right? I mean, I see it in others. Often, in fact. You know those moments when you're talking to someone and its just beaming out of their eyes? Every time I have an honest conversation with someone, I just see it in them. That's the part of them that I fall in love with. So, I must have one too right?

My whole pursuit for medicine is because of this. I want to protect that human spirit that resides in these physical body. I want to honor it, acknowledge its presence every day. I worked two years in clinical rehab. It is there where I fell in love with the human body. I know that the body is physical. We are a jumble of chemical reactions and physiological mechanisms to maintain homeostasis. But amongst all that jazz, there has to be a spirit that roams these physical entities. From my experiences with working with people - patients - I realize that the only thing that holds a person to come to a doctor's visit, to continue therapy, to find some sense of purpose through the pain require some sort of unspoken advantage. A spirit. A hope. A feeling that there is, or could just possibly be, something greater than themselves that is orchestrating its way through their discomfort. 

I know as 'scientists' we are to believe how certain things work, we must be analytical. There is no room in the sciences for the intangible. It's all about facts, numbers, graphs, physical ailments in response to certain triggers or stimuli. We must remain critical with the facts before us. You must always have an analytical mind, as my aunt always tell me. But I believe, partially bias since I minored in religion, that there is something substantial about the world outside of the physical realm we see every day. I know it sounds so simple as a decision to 'just believe'. That in reality, we all believe in something and it is only a matter of what basket we put our eggs in that matters. 

But in the end of the day, what 'believing' requires is work. A lot of it. Don't be fooled. Just because you can't touch it does not mean that a physical investment does not need to be made. I guess, that's sorta of the trick with it. Even though you can't see it, you have to practice in hoping that it exists, each and every day, in this concrete world.  that intangible form from within. I know it's there. I need to stop doubting it. By not believing, it screws me up. Yeah, I'm gonna stick by it. It's the only way to go.