On a Year Ago.

I didn't like how I originally wrote this entry. I half-fasted it. And I knew that.

Been lagging on this entry. I passed the actual "year ago" mark and in some way to me, I feel as if the entry had lost its efficacy. But nonetheless, I find it necessary for it to be document this 'narrative' in my life. Man, what a difference a year makes... 

Last Thanksgiving I stayed at my Aunt's and slept for what I think was the longest I've ever had. 13 hrs. Yuppp. It was mid-semester, my first year in grad school. And for all those who suffered that program with me, knows exactly how it was. Swamped with endless quizzes, exams, and syllabi. I remember coming home to Rangai and feel like I could finally let down my guard. I was finally 'safe'. Life was kicking my ass. Life 1, Ellen -82.

I had just flown out to Detroit to create my own romantic film and was exhausted.. I was so dumb. So, so dumb. I was trying to resurrect, what now I see with full clarity, a relationship facing its ultimate doom. I was so gloomingly optimistic. I remember my cousin trying to cock block me from going, being the big sister that she is, prophetically knowing that if I were to go that it would be one rather painful experience. And man, was she right. Definitely in the books for worst trip ever. 

I can remember sending a picture to my girlfriends back home where I was staying for the evening. Alone. That was my Halloween 2011. Man do I know how to party. What kills me is that months later he tells me he met up with me because he "felt guilty" - You idiot. What you need to say is, "out of respect" you met up with me. I was the one that flew out there, so that you can do the dirty work of ending it. And still! You didn't. 

"... I feel really guilty for that time when you flew out here to try to keep us going because I know I was really cold and heartless that weekend -- not wanting to see you. It was the guilt that finally got me to have lunch with you. I'm sorry for wasting your time there because really I had been dating and sleeping with someone since the beginning of October. I was scared of being alone and I wanted to make sure I had someone to hold on to. I'm sorry I put you through that...  

 I never apologized for ultimately using you that entire time. I want to apologize for lying to you about all of that. I don't have any agenda except to do what is right which, again, should have done a long time ago."

This (still) brings me to tears. I don't know what's disappointing, his words or the fact that I'm still affected by them. May the records show, I am over him but not so much the break-up, or so it seems.The break-up meant, what I thought, reflected my self-worth. It's unfortunate that this sentiment still finds its way in my thoughts. But this entry wasn't to reminisce on what was but what is, now..  

A year ago, I bought a ticket to visit someone who could care less for me. I paid a taxi, a hotel, the works. To have a single lunch with him.. to end a relationship. Then, a year later, I find myself in quite the opposite predicament. Someone purchased a ticket for me to see him, met me at the airport, took care for my lodging, and had not just a lunch with me.. but multiple lunches and even a couple breakfasts (even if it was the Waffle House)! Hah this guy's awesome. And the best part of it all, was that his agenda wasn't to get into my pants or rekindle any lovin (my heart's unfortunately sitting in an ice cooler, at the moment) it was just two people that got to catch up and come from it, a sincere and honest connection for two. I'm grateful. Not only because I was in such a shitty situation a year ago but because I could also see how much work I've done to be able to "be there" and welcome in that moment so much gratitude.

So, what I'm grateful for this year, is this.. Shitty ass situations. Because it's in those moments - and we all know them so well - that when things do turn out the way it all sort of does or needs to be, we are so much more open, so willing, so evolved that the level of significance to a situation rises because we most certainly know the real value behind it. .. Like my friends from school, applying and getting accepted in medical school.. Success is so much sweeter. And because we are grateful, we can exploit this and approach what we were given with such greatness and receptivity. Crazy how shit can turn into something sweet. Hah okay, okay bad visual. Very bad visual. And with that, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!

On Detroit.

Detroit is like a man that just finished through a mid-life crisis. He still stands but the ego slightly bruised. This city reminds me of a lot of LA, minus the people and traffic.

Did you know that Detroit used to be one of those big cities? Amongst the names of New York, Los Angeles, Boston, Chicago.. Detroit would be listed as one of the big cities in the Nation. Not just during the building of the car industry (which was an amazing feat, true-blue America work ethics found in each vehicle) but more importantly, during the WWII when the demand for creating weaponry was vital to not only ourselves but our allies. Detroit was a worthy investment. Historically, Detroit was also a prime spot during the Underground Railroad and the mecca during the Motown era. The unfortunate thing, I think, that happened with Detroit was that after that demand of weapons was no longer needed, cars were supposed to be "their" thing. But the cars that were being built on our soil were no longer in competition to those overseas. Would you choose a Ford or a Chevy over a cool, status-stating BMW or Mercedes? How can you beat the cost of a Toyota or Honda that is practical and affordable, even as an import to our nation?

Detroit's population, despite the fact that it's lost much of its population, still ranks in the Top 20 by population in the United States. Surprisingly, beating Boston that ranks at twenty-two. The one thing I like about Detroit, grant it it's not been that long, is the people. I forget that although we are in Detroit, I am still in Michigan. Not New York. Not Boston. Not Los Angeles but Detroit. People are humble. Maybe it is because what once was a big city, a place where millions could proudly state as their home, eventually whittled down to just another midwest town. Detroit used to stand out, but now with less than 25% of its population in the past 10 years, it stands with less vigor. In an article, it states that most of its population moved out because of lack of academic fundamentals and neighborhood safety, but now the question is, what can they do to turn it around? Could they? What are their options?

Detroit has so much potential, so much space. In that same article, you can fit Boston, NYC, and San Francisco into the Detroit borders. As I walk through the city, I see only empty space for blocks, then a Subway or hospital among this huge lot. People say that Detroit may be the next Williamsburg but even then, Williamsburg' not only about young artists who bought space at real cheap. There are other communities supporting its city. But what about Detroit? Is it time to now accept that where it is now is permanent? I would hate to think so. We'll see, I give it another 5 years. It'll be a shame to see this go, it's good space, a very generous community. A place I would be proud to call as home.

One thing before I go. I have a few words about the Black community. I spoke with a man while I was there. He's a 28ish year old black male, works as the doorman/security here at the Park Shelton, and writes on the side. He's actually completing his first book and told me that he reads about 6-7 books a month or wait, a week. He was completing FAFSA applications and thinking about returning to school for Business. Well, anyways, he tried to explain to me the communities in Detroit in contrast to the gang-related culture in Los Angeles. There's no beating-up rituals or gang rivalries among groups and even though, to an extent, these communities can be territorial. It's more that if you live on a street, the boundaries for that group or community extends to that. You may not know everyone in the group but if you are within that particular neighborhood boundary, you are part of this community by association.

If there are 'tifs' with among groups, they are often personal, involving two people, and exist for a reason. He told me, if you hear about a shooting, it's often between two people who know each other, had a misunderstanding or disagreement, and knew something inevitable was going to go down. Rarely, he said, are there shootings without intention or drive-bys where a number of innocent people are targeted and typically, they are drug-related. He added, "When have you seen a paper and read that it was a white person that was shot? Barely ever. Yet, white people are the most scared to move here because of violence. Look, if you are not involved, you not in danger. Just because the population is primarily black, it doesn't mean that the city is dangerous. People and their assumptions. Ignorant."

One thing, for sure, from my perspective of course. Black people* are not all created equal. Black people in Detroit are different from black people in Los Angeles, Brooklyn, Boston.. from what I know and probably also, Chicago or down South. This doesn't mean that there aren't similarities nationally. Where our roots come from are important but our immediate city also speaks volumes to who we are. Where we live or lived, changes us. The cities I've lived in, changed me. We become part of our city just as much as we are our race, our ethnicity, our nationality. Overall, the city and people of Detroit impress me. I hope one day, I can add Detroit as a part of my repertoire.

* I extend this generalization to most ethnicities and racial groups. You can replace Black/African-American with Asian, Latino, and other people of color. There are a bunch of Asians all over, and Asian people from San Diego are definitely different to those in New York City.


Article stated above:

[http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/03/24/vanishing-city-the-story-behind-detroit’s-shocking-population-decline/]