On a Year Ago.

I didn't like how I originally wrote this entry. I half-fasted it. And I knew that.

Been lagging on this entry. I passed the actual "year ago" mark and in some way to me, I feel as if the entry had lost its efficacy. But nonetheless, I find it necessary for it to be document this 'narrative' in my life. Man, what a difference a year makes... 

Last Thanksgiving I stayed at my Aunt's and slept for what I think was the longest I've ever had. 13 hrs. Yuppp. It was mid-semester, my first year in grad school. And for all those who suffered that program with me, knows exactly how it was. Swamped with endless quizzes, exams, and syllabi. I remember coming home to Rangai and feel like I could finally let down my guard. I was finally 'safe'. Life was kicking my ass. Life 1, Ellen -82.

I had just flown out to Detroit to create my own romantic film and was exhausted.. I was so dumb. So, so dumb. I was trying to resurrect, what now I see with full clarity, a relationship facing its ultimate doom. I was so gloomingly optimistic. I remember my cousin trying to cock block me from going, being the big sister that she is, prophetically knowing that if I were to go that it would be one rather painful experience. And man, was she right. Definitely in the books for worst trip ever. 

I can remember sending a picture to my girlfriends back home where I was staying for the evening. Alone. That was my Halloween 2011. Man do I know how to party. What kills me is that months later he tells me he met up with me because he "felt guilty" - You idiot. What you need to say is, "out of respect" you met up with me. I was the one that flew out there, so that you can do the dirty work of ending it. And still! You didn't. 

"... I feel really guilty for that time when you flew out here to try to keep us going because I know I was really cold and heartless that weekend -- not wanting to see you. It was the guilt that finally got me to have lunch with you. I'm sorry for wasting your time there because really I had been dating and sleeping with someone since the beginning of October. I was scared of being alone and I wanted to make sure I had someone to hold on to. I'm sorry I put you through that...  

 I never apologized for ultimately using you that entire time. I want to apologize for lying to you about all of that. I don't have any agenda except to do what is right which, again, should have done a long time ago."

This (still) brings me to tears. I don't know what's disappointing, his words or the fact that I'm still affected by them. May the records show, I am over him but not so much the break-up, or so it seems.The break-up meant, what I thought, reflected my self-worth. It's unfortunate that this sentiment still finds its way in my thoughts. But this entry wasn't to reminisce on what was but what is, now..  

A year ago, I bought a ticket to visit someone who could care less for me. I paid a taxi, a hotel, the works. To have a single lunch with him.. to end a relationship. Then, a year later, I find myself in quite the opposite predicament. Someone purchased a ticket for me to see him, met me at the airport, took care for my lodging, and had not just a lunch with me.. but multiple lunches and even a couple breakfasts (even if it was the Waffle House)! Hah this guy's awesome. And the best part of it all, was that his agenda wasn't to get into my pants or rekindle any lovin (my heart's unfortunately sitting in an ice cooler, at the moment) it was just two people that got to catch up and come from it, a sincere and honest connection for two. I'm grateful. Not only because I was in such a shitty situation a year ago but because I could also see how much work I've done to be able to "be there" and welcome in that moment so much gratitude.

So, what I'm grateful for this year, is this.. Shitty ass situations. Because it's in those moments - and we all know them so well - that when things do turn out the way it all sort of does or needs to be, we are so much more open, so willing, so evolved that the level of significance to a situation rises because we most certainly know the real value behind it. .. Like my friends from school, applying and getting accepted in medical school.. Success is so much sweeter. And because we are grateful, we can exploit this and approach what we were given with such greatness and receptivity. Crazy how shit can turn into something sweet. Hah okay, okay bad visual. Very bad visual. And with that, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!

On What I Hope.

Finishing up with the 3 part series (changed it again from 12.1.2011). Realize I never published this sucker, so hear it is again. With a few edits, of course (12.19.11). An oldie but goodie.

So that was fun. With all that said and done, what I believe, what I deserve, now what I hope. And man do I hope for a crap load of things. Or rather, want a bunch of things. Realizing that these may be two different things is unfortunate. The fact that I can differentiate between the two, though, surprises me in a good way. But it sucks balls. I would prefer to believe that what I want is of all goodness and righteousness. But it's not. It is self-seeking and pompous to believe that what I want is inevitably good for me. Not to say that we cannot trust our instincts but rather, it is important to always know where these instincts develop from. 

When knowing the givens do not match the wants, I think that is when Hope comes into play. I just hope that "Hope" is much more gracious than Life is sometimes. I think what makes it so intriguing is that it is not limited to what a person perceives as vital, that Hope is not limited to lack of patience or insight. We forget that there may be something greater than what we may want in the present. I know I have. Then, if we are to incorporate what it is we believe in, with what we deserve, the recipe should be interesting. I want to see what could emerge from all of this, comparing what it is I hope for to what unavoidably will happen.

For example, I want to be a doctor. What I hope for is a career that allows me to care for others in the most intimate way. I know this sounds like a cookie-cutter reason but what I meant is, I want every day to be an opportunity where I can honor a life. I want others to look at me and trust that I have the compassion, the knowledge, the wisdom to take care of them and their loved ones. I want to provide hope, the window for others to have that second chance to a qualitative life. This is what I hope for. To be able to serve. We all do this, in almost all forms of careers. And for me, it is in the realm of medicine that I would want to do this. 

I want a family. Husband. Kids. The whole bit. The timing of this isn't as important but what I hope for is a home that I can build with my love and create a creative bond with my children. I want to laugh with them, bake a semi-delicious breakfast for them on a Sunday morning. I want to hold the hand of my husband on the couch and play tag with the kids after a long day at work. Dancing with them in the living room would be a plus. More importantly, I want to respect each member of my family as their own person and learn who they are each and every day. I hope for a man that wakes up with me and makes the choice to love me. I hope for children that I can unconditionally love yet not as a martyr. I hope that as a family we are committed and devoted to the work that each day brings, with love and honesty how ever best way we can. Life's a bitch and it is difficult alone. I want a family that will be there for me and I for them. To share in the joy and sorrow that life brings, one day at a time. 

I want to be happy. I want guaranteed success, title, security. What I Hope for is Gratitude. Presence. Wisdom. Dignity. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet as is and know that what is there is some good stuff. I hope I can enjoy the present, stop regurgitating my past and most importantly, stop investing into a future that I do not know. I hope for accountability and the guts to match it. I hope that when I share myself to people, it comes from a place that is honest, centered but not self-seeking. I hope that I can laugh at myself more often. To do so is so relieving. I take myself way too serious sometimes, as if I'm this old soul that has became decrepit and arthritic. Although, recently I do find myself laughing at me more, which makes the days go by faster. Last one (this is fun you should try it!) I hope that I can find peace within myself as I persevere through the life I believe in. I want to be powerful, courageous. A sexy lion. Or cougar. Depending on how much older I get through all of this. The nice thing about all this is that, I have put a lot of work to get where I am now. I have actually had moments where I can say there was pure happiness. So its been good. Hard work but good. 

We want a shit load of things. And we're good at it. Wanting. It's almost in this imaginative world of desiring that pushes us to do the every day pursuit. We want a lot of things and we go each day trying to get it. We want love, we want money. We want a sense of belonging, to be 'happy' in the terms we define it. Yet are givens are the same. A functional body, the potential to care for one another, insight. What I want is clarity, but what I hope for is discernment. I need to open my eyes to what my givens are and make the decisions accordingly. It is just now that I am starting to see what may not be available for me. But despite those givens, what I hope for is something beyond me that can carry us through. Call it Love, call it God or whatever, I want to believe in us again. I hope that whatever I am supposed to do, to think, to feel, Hope finds me. May I never underestimate Hope but thank goodness Hope is not limited to my perspective. Or to all ours for that matter. Can I get an Amen!? Oh no, starting to preach. I think what we all hope for now is that I just stop. Now. hah good night!