I always put this disclaimer that I am the way the I am, because my mother was a single parent. A lot goes into that definition; more than I think what people give it credit. I have many friends, family, even a best friend, that have children, and I wonder how it would be for them if they did not have their partner. What would that mean for them if they had to raise their children on their own, without their spouse? How would their lives be different?
My mother is alone. I am alone, as well but in a different way. I finally have a place to my own. Not to say that I didn't have my own apartment(s) before or my own space that I can call home though I had roommates, it's just this time it feels different. Even though this is the same space I shared with my other in the past, I feel like this time around I'm getting exactly what I've always wanted. Quietness. Control of my space and time. Peace.
It may not be the city that I wanted to dwell in, but it is for the reason I've always wanted it to be. Graduate school has been something that was a long time coming. But it is also the state of mind that I've always wanted to be. I'm not sure what exactly I'm missing, what I yearn for, or the direction of where I'm going. I do know I'm a lot closer than what I was before, and I believe it'll become more clear to me as time goes by. I saw the development that CS went through, and though I've shared a number of circumstances that challenged my core, nothing comes as gratifying as completing an academia program. A graduate program, nevertheless. I actually received a plaque of his from graduation, shaking the hand of the Dean. Someone important, of course, though we do not know her name. The plaque is pretty simple: His Name, Boston University School of Medicine, Class 2011. It's concise and beautiful.
Getting back to my mother, there is something I've always known but not experienced until now. How much I respect her for where she is. Now, I'm not saying that you MUST be single to feel this sense of "self" because I do know a handful of people that are as certain of who they are and indulged in a number of relationships, but my mom is trucking along, whether or not due to her own choices or something that just "happened" to her. I'm so proud of her. I don't know if I were in the same position, if I can perform with such grace and perseverance.
People give her a hard time in saying that she's over protective with me, that she's wrapped her life around mines in place of hers. This may have been true, and to an extent still is, but if you think of every relationship that you've been in. When wasn't your husband or wife was the center of your universe.. or you child.. or children.. or career? My mother, though has her share of flaws, indulged in me as much as needed to. I can't judge her for the way she loved me. I don't think any of us can, when it comes to the people we love the most.
I've completely digressed from what I thought I was going to say, shoved in a couple other subjects in the mix, and left a good hour in between this paragraph and the previous. My point of this rant is, my mom is cool for d doing what she does every day. I'm just getting a piece of that now. Grant it, I don't have the luxury of the friends and family that are local. But I'm hanging in there cuz my mom has. If she can do it, I can do it, too. So bring it on graduate school, alone in Bostonia. I ain't scared of ya! Growl!