Sunday, January 29, 2012

On Being Delusional.

Wrote this when I was in San Diego over winter break. Somewhat applicable, just maybe not so dramatic :) But for the sake of the integrity of this entry, I shall keep it the same. #shameful

I am an idiot to think that I have control over my life. Now, don't get me wrong. I will choose accordingly the things that I can, whether that be in my career, my personal, or just even my day to day decisions but when it comes to what is bigger than today, I give up dude. I have no fucking clue.

I am going down the road where my thoughts, my desires do not match my givens. My aunt warned me about this. I need to give up what I think I need. Or more so, of what I think I want. I write constantly about my thoughts, my sentiments, my analogies to life and Biology, about giving oneself, hoping, believing, Love, etc. and you would think that I would be an expert to knowing how to distribute these things in my life. But when a moment presents itself, I lose myself in this whirlwind of past sentiments, which consumed me in ways that just made things harder to digest. It's weird that I throw myself in shit that makes me feel... more like shit.

I am so delusional. To think that I have the ability to transform a way a person sees me. When in reality, the only image that matters, that will ever matter, is how I see myself. And the funny thing is, I really like me. Not in this cocky, dude "I'm the shit" sort of way. But in a way that I am proud of what I am building towards. I feel good about who I am and I know what I can offer others, objectively with compassion. I acknowledge my weaknesses and approach them with responsibility. Then, what's the problem? When a moment presents itself, I fucking lose it. To be fair, this 'moment' was more of a very dense all-day event of moments that just was not part of my original agenda. I want to say that it was better than what I had expected but in the end, I think I was fooling myself to think that it mattered. I felt used because within a second of a pretend nap, I find what really is happening happen right in front of me. I lost me. With all the work and all the conversations and all the insight. I got ruffled, confused, drunk. And lost it. My core. My person that I was so proud of these past two months.

I have thrown myself, displayed all that is me on a platter and even then it didn't feel like enough. And not in the sense of enough for another person but for me. It either was too much of who I thought I needed to be or not enough of me that I've created these past few months. It isn't' even about self-respect anymore at this point. I am just a fool. A tired fool.

I need to walk away. Not because I do not love you, not even because it hurts, but because at that point, it isn't what I think it is anymore. There is no love anymore to fight for. Just a way to compete for your attention. And I already lose in that race because I don't have the proximity nor your attention. 

Love is already a very complicated thing. There is much to filter out and figure out or at least honor what is left between this exchange, but I realized that I forced myself blind to see that there is another person involved. And even though I want to fight for that Love, I won't compete with it. The best, and the most obvious, choice for me to do is to just walk away. I am delusional to think that I'll win this race. The winner has already been chosen, and as much as I think I can influenced it with the life we built, I realize that I am no longer part of the identity you want to build for yourself. Plus, she's cute and a breath of fresh air. To think that I can persuade otherwise, 400 miles away without being able to just be there. Is false. I have no voice where I am, mainly because there is no one listening.

And the funny thing is, I was in the complete opposite mindset use a couple days ago. Now, don't think that for a second that what I wrote then is not pertinent or discreditable in any way. Am I forgetful or wavering? What is worst? I am but a fool. I just have to remember when I felt good it was when I took care of myself.

This too shall pass.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

On my Uncle.

The brother of my father, Dr. Sylvester Almiron, is an amazing man. It may seem obvious that he, being the physician of the family, would be the person I would want to emulate and find him not only significant but relevant. Yet the reason I honor him transcends beyond the stories of his practice in medicine and extends to the relationships he established and contributed to in addition to becoming a prominent clinician.

My uncle lives a life of faith. Even as a man of science and medicine, I see through his decisions and actions that his strong sense of hope and presence of strength comes from a belief that there exists an entity beyond him and his reason. This spiritual disposition is an understatement since my uncle’s father, my grandfather, is a pastor. When my uncle was a young boy, he would go with his father on home visits to those who were sick and whose families had asked the pastor to pray over them.

My uncle, after witnessing the praying over the sick, asked his father if there was more that they could do. And although prayer has its own power in it of itself, my uncle wanted a more tangible response to these physical ailments. It is in those moments where he discovered the medium of where he would do his ministry, through the field of medicine.

Another aspiring story that comes into mind is when my uncle established a prominent Filipino community in his hobby, tennis. There were not so much training grounds for those living in the suburbs of New York for the minority community. Most spaces were already preoccupied with a particular, exclusive tenants that were not as welcoming to him or his family. When the problem arose where his children had no space to play as well as no coaches to teach the, my uncle responded by building a tennis court in his backyard and then received his credentials to coach tennis. He stands as an awarded coach and a prestigious figure in his local tennis community.

My most significant memory of my uncle, however, goes back to that of my father. Although I was too young to understand the gravity of circumstances my father endured towards the later years of his life, I am grateful to say that my uncle was there in ways that I can only hope for. My father entered rather foreign territory when he became ill with a diagnosis that was of a novelty at that time and as appropriate as it was, my father’s brother happened to be a doctor. And although my uncle could not free him from his ails, his experience as a caretaker allowed him to provide a significant amount of support. Every month, my uncle would fly from New York to California to visit his little brother.

His life not only tells me how to become a successful physician but also on how to be a good person: a person of faith, a person of courage and most importantly, a person of compassion. What he has done and continues to do with his life inspires me and humbles me to not only become an amazing physician but to be a person of noble character as well. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

On Being a Hoe.

I know that the word 'hoe' can seem derogatory but hear me out first. Although I would not want to admit this on a public forum, I used to be 'a very big hoe' (extra points to those who can identify where that line comes from). The main spurts of when this would happen, typically occurred during or after a break up. I go all balls out when it came to partying and doing the things that we judge other people for doing. Even though we've all been there before. Where we do not want to take responsibility of our circumstances, responsibly. We desert the familiar rather abruptly and then submerge ourselves in behaviors that may be less lady - or gentleman - like. Side question, what do you call a man that is a hoe? Man hoe? Sounds like a tool. Ha get it? I love that I can make myself laugh. Puns gotta love them.

So now, I am sorta in the same situation as before, where I can "hoe out" but this time its a little different. Call it more 'self-respect' or maturity or lack of energy but I can tell that my response in this situation is different. Don't get me wrong, anyone that knows me knows that I can do the deed but its just takes too much to be a hoe right now. What I don't need to do is people, what I do need to do is get A's. Don't want an attractive man, rather a ridiculously sexy record that I can boast around during medical school interviews. And like they say, its the time to be selfish. I want to hoe out on school/ applications/my entire future career and/or life. I've been lucky enough to have a playful past of lovers and fleeing 'acquaintances'. All of which were ridiculsouly consuming love stories. But for now I choose the less hoe-y road and temporarily retire the 'falling in love' outfit.

I know it sounds like a cop out but really, energy and time are very limited entities. To do what you need to do, as I am learning, requires compartmentalization. And for right now, its all about the career, the foundation, the making the means for the life I've always dreamed of. If Love is love, it'll be there later. I dreamt of a very grandiose, overly joyful, expensive future. And so, in the name of that love and life I hold so close, I need to commit myself to the work that will require to have that life I want to live. Every single day. I want a home filled with ridiculously unnecessary but cute stuff and a nice ass view. I want children, where they can be carelesslely ambitious and driven.

As they say, there is a time and place for everything. Do the work now, check options later. I have invested well enough in the 'being in love/in a relationship/dating with my heart on my sleeve'  account, that its now time to do work. I want to be deliciously submerged in my self, my life, my work. As much as I've enjoyed the life and loves in my past, it is time for me to focus that love - that energy - that part of me to school, my future, me. I know it seems like I've side tracked from the "hoe" to "love" topic but in the end, it's all sorta the same thing, right? The real question then is, what do you want to hoe out on? Once you figure that out, go all balls out and hoe out on the things you love.