Sunday, January 29, 2012

On Being Delusional.

Wrote this when I was in San Diego over winter break. Somewhat applicable, just maybe not so dramatic :) But for the sake of the integrity of this entry, I shall keep it the same. #shameful

I am an idiot to think that I have control over my life. Now, don't get me wrong. I will choose accordingly the things that I can, whether that be in my career, my personal, or just even my day to day decisions but when it comes to what is bigger than today, I give up dude. I have no fucking clue.

I am going down the road where my thoughts, my desires do not match my givens. My aunt warned me about this. I need to give up what I think I need. Or more so, of what I think I want. I write constantly about my thoughts, my sentiments, my analogies to life and Biology, about giving oneself, hoping, believing, Love, etc. and you would think that I would be an expert to knowing how to distribute these things in my life. But when a moment presents itself, I lose myself in this whirlwind of past sentiments, which consumed me in ways that just made things harder to digest. It's weird that I throw myself in shit that makes me feel... more like shit.

I am so delusional. To think that I have the ability to transform a way a person sees me. When in reality, the only image that matters, that will ever matter, is how I see myself. And the funny thing is, I really like me. Not in this cocky, dude "I'm the shit" sort of way. But in a way that I am proud of what I am building towards. I feel good about who I am and I know what I can offer others, objectively with compassion. I acknowledge my weaknesses and approach them with responsibility. Then, what's the problem? When a moment presents itself, I fucking lose it. To be fair, this 'moment' was more of a very dense all-day event of moments that just was not part of my original agenda. I want to say that it was better than what I had expected but in the end, I think I was fooling myself to think that it mattered. I felt used because within a second of a pretend nap, I find what really is happening happen right in front of me. I lost me. With all the work and all the conversations and all the insight. I got ruffled, confused, drunk. And lost it. My core. My person that I was so proud of these past two months.

I have thrown myself, displayed all that is me on a platter and even then it didn't feel like enough. And not in the sense of enough for another person but for me. It either was too much of who I thought I needed to be or not enough of me that I've created these past few months. It isn't' even about self-respect anymore at this point. I am just a fool. A tired fool.

I need to walk away. Not because I do not love you, not even because it hurts, but because at that point, it isn't what I think it is anymore. There is no love anymore to fight for. Just a way to compete for your attention. And I already lose in that race because I don't have the proximity nor your attention. 

Love is already a very complicated thing. There is much to filter out and figure out or at least honor what is left between this exchange, but I realized that I forced myself blind to see that there is another person involved. And even though I want to fight for that Love, I won't compete with it. The best, and the most obvious, choice for me to do is to just walk away. I am delusional to think that I'll win this race. The winner has already been chosen, and as much as I think I can influenced it with the life we built, I realize that I am no longer part of the identity you want to build for yourself. Plus, she's cute and a breath of fresh air. To think that I can persuade otherwise, 400 miles away without being able to just be there. Is false. I have no voice where I am, mainly because there is no one listening.

And the funny thing is, I was in the complete opposite mindset use a couple days ago. Now, don't think that for a second that what I wrote then is not pertinent or discreditable in any way. Am I forgetful or wavering? What is worst? I am but a fool. I just have to remember when I felt good it was when I took care of myself.

This too shall pass.

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