Sunday, August 26, 2012

On Ex-Boyfriends.

To my ex-boyfriends. I was a horrible girlfriend and heck, even ex-girlfriend. Okay, maybe not totally true. But there was an obvious end to those relationships. Something I did or didn't do brought it to its final point. Although I'd like to believe that when we did have moments of pure love, they were, in part, because of me. I worked really hard in my relationships, and I want to believe that we dated for as long as we did because it was good. I mean, the 'shortest' of my relationships was the most recent, a mere 3 years.

I have made choices in the past that were self-centered and hurtful towards those I cared for, both during and after our relationships. And I believe in some twisted way, it was what I received is what I deserved. Not to say the universe always plays with this quid pro quo rules but that sometimes it conveniently does. I cheated in a long standing relationship, then later got cheated on in another. Interesting concept. This idea of (in)fidelty. And yes, I can complain to the universe how "karma's a bitch" but that's so uncreative. If anything, She's become my teacher of compassion, empathy, and wisdom.

Despite the obvious, this entry is not so much about how 'ex-boyfriends are lame' or a diatribe on my last relationship. Far from it. If anything, I would want to happily reminisce of this man I dated in college. How sweet that after four years or so, we briefly spoke across an email and both came to peace with how we ended. And for the record, the email was in no way like what the recent ex-boyfriend did. #sy #majorfail 

When I emailed my college boyfriend, it wasn't an excruciating tedious, unnecessarily lengthy, pompous laundry list of the sins committed in the relationship that I wrote in order to clear my name so that I can change my Facebook status to 'in a relationship' and not feel guilty about it.....ahem.. No. Rather, I sent him an apology after a few years past. As genuine as I could with this understanding of the pain I caused him and acknowledging that although it does not change our current situation, I was apologetic for treating him with such lack of respect for a person I loved. Anyways, the email went something like, how I loved him and how I hoped he understood my poor choices was never a reflection of him. The pain I caused was unnecessary and that he was a good man. He responded as simple as, 'I am grateful for the time when we were young and in love. That is what I remember and happy I shared with you.' The unfortunate reality is that we, as people, do fall out of love with another. That is not exceptional. But how we do that, how we transition from current to ex's is delicate and is not always intended to be this messy free fall. It's difficult in maneuvering through this evolution of un-loving someone - a person that you were the most intimate with, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, daily - and knowing that transformation of that relationship ending can be handled in ways of respect and dare I say, love? Even if it may be residual.

Soo, I hung out with someone the other day and he mentioned to me this beautiful rendition of his last break up. He spoke so highly of his ex-girlfriend despite the expiration of their relationship. It was graceful, almost sweet. And I get it. Call me naive but I think my original problem was that I assumed that all the relationships I entered were going to be 'forever' and when it didn't, I was resentful and angry. It took me a while to accept that people can come in and out of your life, whether be for a night or three years and that is a-okay! It's lived it's course, as organically as possible, with a beginning and an end. But just because the party's over and it's time to leave, don't leave it as a hot mess - hold some dignity, respect, and heck, maybe a little love during that inevitable departure. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

On a Date.

So went on my first official date sometime last week. Like met a guy at a bar. Exchanged numbers. No friendly lines, just shameless-flirtatious crap. He picked me up, paid for dinner, possible kiss good night. The whole bit. And if I could sum up the experience in one word, it'd be: awkward. And the funny thing is that after hanging out with him, surprisingly, I may want to date again. Not him. But dating, major possibility. I just don't want to "date" people that are I think are hot or because they stroke my ego or because I'm lonely. I'm just done dating people that I know I wouldn't want to spend my time with. I want to share my time, my energy, my thoughts with men that I believe complement me. Challenge me. After being in each others company, makes me feel good, warm, content. Like in the heart, not necessarily down south. I want to leave after spending time with him, with the biggest and goofiest smile on my face. That, I think, is the definition of the best date ever. Not the after, per se. Though sometimes that can attentuate an even more awesome date if that be the case.

So the dude. He's the "guy from the bar" guy. Musician I met at Beehive. Cute. Skinny. Aka, I have bigger calves than him. Which reminds me, I need to date bigger men. Almost a jerk at first glance and yeah, sorta was. But you can't judge a person by his looks. Oh wait, you totally can. Ha. And as much as I don't wanna judge the process - I mean, I do have an amazing story of a best friend meeting her now husband at a bar - I would like to be realistic and think that the world won't be as generous with me as with them. But if this "dating" thing may be an activity I may partake in, how and where do I play? I've only dated only guys I've dated. Aka, never been friends before, which may be the reason why those past relationships failed. We jumped in with such strong agendas and never got to be ourselves vs. ourselves on-the-prowl. We'd jumped the chute and held hands before we knew each other's stance on politics and sex. As for dating my friends, I know there's some discrepency that its "not worth sacrificing" the friendship, I think sometimes it is. (Although, I'd be shocked if any of current guy friends find this attractive since some of them know me way too well/I'm way too comfortable around them. Definitely do not bring the sexy back when in their presence). So, not totally against that either. And for the record my buddies are pretty cute. Would totally tap that.

Anyways, back to the date. I felt like an asshole. Particularly, when he tried to hold my hand and I just slapped at it like a low-high five. It looked like we were playing patty-cake as we were walking down the street. In the end of the day, the reason why those pseudo-dates aren't dates is because my mental space isn't there. I know you can't plan this stuff out and trust me on this, I hate compartalmentalizing my life. Not a cute way to live. But for just this moment, where I can just breathe and figure out what the hell my needs are, is just too delicous right now. After almost 8 years of this, I need this more than ever. Wait, am I shifting my stance on dating again in a single entry? Hah I most certainly am. Last thing, I swear..

I want to believe that I may be able to date someone again, if/when the universe deems fit. I also may never date again too. Another real option I may need to spoon the idea of. But one thing I most certainly do now, is make decisions of how I use my time and energy in ways that make me happy either at the moment and/or for the future. Because, though you would never want to do this to "attract a mate" just imagine how attractive it is, for a person to see another being simply enjoying their own company and building the lives they want for themselves, every day. Sexiest thing ever. And by doing so, imagine the bees attracted to that sweet ass honey. Would you want someone attracted to you based upon the decisions you make and not because you wore a cute outfit to the bar? Shouldn't dating be just about that? The sharing of two lives of two very amazing people. Ha, that is the goal.