Sunday, August 26, 2012

On Ex-Boyfriends.

To my ex-boyfriends. I was a horrible girlfriend and heck, even ex-girlfriend. Okay, maybe not totally true. But there was an obvious end to those relationships. Something I did or didn't do brought it to its final point. Although I'd like to believe that when we did have moments of pure love, they were, in part, because of me. I worked really hard in my relationships, and I want to believe that we dated for as long as we did because it was good. I mean, the 'shortest' of my relationships was the most recent, a mere 3 years.

I have made choices in the past that were self-centered and hurtful towards those I cared for, both during and after our relationships. And I believe in some twisted way, it was what I received is what I deserved. Not to say the universe always plays with this quid pro quo rules but that sometimes it conveniently does. I cheated in a long standing relationship, then later got cheated on in another. Interesting concept. This idea of (in)fidelty. And yes, I can complain to the universe how "karma's a bitch" but that's so uncreative. If anything, She's become my teacher of compassion, empathy, and wisdom.

Despite the obvious, this entry is not so much about how 'ex-boyfriends are lame' or a diatribe on my last relationship. Far from it. If anything, I would want to happily reminisce of this man I dated in college. How sweet that after four years or so, we briefly spoke across an email and both came to peace with how we ended. And for the record, the email was in no way like what the recent ex-boyfriend did. #sy #majorfail 

When I emailed my college boyfriend, it wasn't an excruciating tedious, unnecessarily lengthy, pompous laundry list of the sins committed in the relationship that I wrote in order to clear my name so that I can change my Facebook status to 'in a relationship' and not feel guilty about it.....ahem.. No. Rather, I sent him an apology after a few years past. As genuine as I could with this understanding of the pain I caused him and acknowledging that although it does not change our current situation, I was apologetic for treating him with such lack of respect for a person I loved. Anyways, the email went something like, how I loved him and how I hoped he understood my poor choices was never a reflection of him. The pain I caused was unnecessary and that he was a good man. He responded as simple as, 'I am grateful for the time when we were young and in love. That is what I remember and happy I shared with you.' The unfortunate reality is that we, as people, do fall out of love with another. That is not exceptional. But how we do that, how we transition from current to ex's is delicate and is not always intended to be this messy free fall. It's difficult in maneuvering through this evolution of un-loving someone - a person that you were the most intimate with, emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, daily - and knowing that transformation of that relationship ending can be handled in ways of respect and dare I say, love? Even if it may be residual.

Soo, I hung out with someone the other day and he mentioned to me this beautiful rendition of his last break up. He spoke so highly of his ex-girlfriend despite the expiration of their relationship. It was graceful, almost sweet. And I get it. Call me naive but I think my original problem was that I assumed that all the relationships I entered were going to be 'forever' and when it didn't, I was resentful and angry. It took me a while to accept that people can come in and out of your life, whether be for a night or three years and that is a-okay! It's lived it's course, as organically as possible, with a beginning and an end. But just because the party's over and it's time to leave, don't leave it as a hot mess - hold some dignity, respect, and heck, maybe a little love during that inevitable departure. 


  1. I was soooo needing that word right about now. Erykah: I was a fan of music before reading this but now I see you as a person who deals with the emotional toils of life first before seeing your artistry. Thank you for sharing these real words in the final paragraph of your offering; they are just what the doctor ordered as the finality of a romantic situation doesn't have to be all bad... it's all about the perspective we choose to hold about it that will either fortify or jade us moving forward...

    1. Hi! Thank you so much for reading my words. I just let you know, though, this is not Erykah B. but Ellen :) I can see why you could of think that. My blog is titled "On and on" because... two things. I talk 'on and on and on' in this blog and second, I love that song. "Peace & blessings manifest with every lesson learned" is part of the lyrics to that song.

      Anyways, thank you for for your kind words. Not gonna lie, I pour a bit of myself out on this. So, it's nice it does more for others than just myself. It's always the last paragraph that everything starts putting itself together. And yes, we do choose to see each experience as a way to 'fortify or jade' us.. beautifully put!