Tuesday, February 21, 2012

On Self-Love.

So my main conquest has been trying to figure out this little riddle of mine.

What is self-love?

Is it measured upon the number of people that love you? God no.

Is it vanity? In it's most crass form, yes it could be. Is it  something you can achieve, once it  is "reached" you're good? What does self-love entail? Is it the same for every one person? 

I want [this] so much because, I can't be pending on another's. To be loved is awesoume but never enough. I want to be self-sufficient, sustainable. Because what is more scary is this idea that another's love is pending your self-worth, especially after knowing that the decision another person makes is never, never under your control. God how scary is that. Love. 

So, to prevent this indelible self-destruction, we should build a fort where one can stand on his or her own two lovin' feet. That way, when ever shit hits the fan, you're still standing in shit. Wait, that didn't work out as well as I wanted it to. I mean, you are standing in shit but at least you are surrounded by this fortitude by your own two feet? Wow, still gross. Hmmm... 

Well, let's start from the beginning. How does one fall in love, in general? By getting to know them, by getting coffee with them, by sittin in silence with them while simultaneously feeling comfortable, with arguing and finding things out about them that may not be as pretty but yet worthy to be loved. So, first you get to know. Then, you tumble through a few arguments (to test resilience and durability) and then, accept that person through love. Make the commitment, active conscious commitment that you are enough. More than enough but good. Love in its purest, most intended form is commitment. So, self-love is commitment to you. It is this ongoing, every single day process. It's not like a trophy that once achieved is done but rather, this internal dialogue that is everlasting. Honest. Real. 

So it begins with dating yourself. Figuring out what yo want to do, what you like/dislike, the music you want in my ears, conversations you want to have. You know, doing the thing "you" want to do without the need of a plus one to hold your hand, so that you two are not alone. Don't get me wrong, companionship is a beautiful thing. Just make sure that companion is worthy of you, all of you.  Then, after dating (hopefully) yourself you fall  madly in love and treat you the way you would a person you had loved. The best part of this recipe is that by doing you, falling in love with you, others often follow suit. As a friend or a lover, the more sweet you make your honey, the more bees want a taste

So if it wasn't obvious before, its obvious now. I just ended a beautiful relationship of 3 years with a man I really loved. I was spoiled with support and great, great things. But for what it is, it just can't be now. And surprisingly very surprisingly I am doing well. Very well in fact, the other day I mentioned to someone that I could not imagine going back to the person I was then to the person I am now, even in spite of the heartbrokenness that came from it. I would not trade for the woman I came out of it. Ever. I am so happy, grateful. But I can't help but question even after all the good that came from this, why was I not worthy of his love? Fuck. I know my worth, I know I am delicious. But why this residual lack of self-love? 

Because. I thought to be worthy of love was measured by the love from others. Simple as that. So when someone treats you with less "love" you bust out your measuring stick and think less worthy. So then you proceed with meaningless dates, alcohol, and one night stands to fill this void. Not in that particular order and all hypothetical, of course :) The only thing I can do, only thing I'll ever be able to do, is love the me and the others the best way possible. And in exchange, with hope, that there will be people along the way that will match that love of mine with an equal, mutual, loving love. 

So what is worthy to remember through all this, is that the actions of another is not all about you but a decision that they made for themselves. The only thing you can do is respect the ending of a love with honor and acknowledging the loss is not you. Love fleeing was never love, because it never had the commitment to do so. And the beauty, the best, the secret to the best kind of love, self-love is that it is impermeable to alllllll that. Shit from the external world and people. Absolutely untouchable. Invincible. It is yours, all yours to spoil rotten. 

So to quote from Parks & Recreation, Treat Yo Self [gooooood] every day, every year! 


  1. I don't know what your breakup was like but this helped me get through mine, especially at the end: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY

    ^promise it's not a virus. if you're wary of clicking links on the internet, youtube "strangers, again" by wongfu productions

    take care

    1. Thank you, it's sorta crazy because I think the main actor guy went to my college back in San Diego. But yeah, I was actually thinking today how just grateful I am for what that experience was. And each day is affirmation to me about how everything (though I hate the saying, everything happens for a reason) worked the way it needed to. I am and I believe you will, as well, come to a place where it just feels good. I literally said the words. I'm no longer in misery - I can't even cry about it because I'm just no longer sad about it.

      It may have been one of the best things ever to have happened to me. I would've never thought i would happen, that I would be in this place now or state of mind, where I was just content. And grateful. It's a miraculous thing. I really feel it in my heart, that I no longer love that man the way I thought I did. It's interesting to see how love can evolve in time. I hope the same works for you.

      I enjoyed the link very much. Thank you for sharing it with me.