Monday, April 16, 2012

On Being Naked.


This entry isn't about being physically naked. However, I was asked to pose nude for a photographer recently and hence, the inspiration of this title. Sorta weird, kind of embarrassed. He's a legit photographer from Brklyn but most likely, would put my family to shame if I did this. So possible no-go. I mean, definite no-go. Anyways.

I am constantly putting myself "emotionally" naked in front of people. People I know, people I don't know, people I may know but better know afterwards since they know way too much about me at that point. Constantly. Which leaves me semi-uncomfortable afterwards. Not because I regret the story in it of itself nor is it because I want the nakedness reciprocated. I don't give in order to receive. But it's more of, I am uncomfortable because - here I am, exposed and I wonder, is it enough? Is it good? Do you hate me/love me more after what I have told you

Like posing nude, you wonder. What is it that you like about my body? What is that you don't? What curves are your favorite, which moles do you dislike? What is it, about me that I can or can not change - that you enjoy? It's not perfect, yet you are pulled towards it, inspired by it. Why?

I realize that the exposing of myself leaves me inevitably vulnerable. And though I would like to think that I am a person of honesty and humility by doing so, vulnerability isn't necessarily those things. It's embarassing, difficult, and sometimes unfortunate. 

But because I can share these things with you, I believe that I am strong and not incarcerated by some shame that I felt when holding it in. Exposing it shows it's weakness. I'm allowing that story to be mobile, not hidden, open for all those to see. And sharing this with you, shouldn't take away from that experience. Your opinion should not matter. Almost irrelevant to my story, my self, and my life. 

And yet. I do. Fuck. I feel used, over-exposed. And not enough. Why? I am everything that I need to be, and I have much to be proud of. I'm here, standing after what I have gone through - much of which is shared in this blog - and I smile. Still and often. Should that not be enough? You have no idea what I have gone through. I'm not trying to compare notes but you just don't know how it is. To feel a parent's death, a fractured femur, or be molested. I would never want those things to happen to you or anyone. None of it is cool but because of them, I am the woman you see now. And that should be enough. More than. 

I end with this. When you have sex with someone for the first time, you are exposed to fresh eyes. Naked as hell. And you wonder, is it enough? Do you like what you see? I am who I am, and you better like it for the next 20 or more so minutes. Cuz we're kinda stuck. Jk. But what I'm trying to say - and I type this as I'm blushing away - there are things you can change and then there are things that you can not. And just like those experiences that sort of end up on your skin, the person that sees you "naked", whether deserving or not, is lucky to have. Because in the end of the day, it just shows you who you are. Uninhibited, comfortable, and cool.

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