Thursday, October 18, 2012

On a Man's Urges.

So to pseudo-rebuttal my last post, On a Woman's Needs. I thought it was only appropriate to write the opposite of a "need" and speak of the extraneous. A luxury. The fulfilling one's desires. Now, of course, not all desires are superfluous. But there are 'urges' that we have that aren't always justified. I actually googled man's urges and got this article about this husband/father that "loved his wife" but can't help his urge to be with other women. He says he has "no complaints except for these feelings", those urges to be with another person. It'd make him happy if he could. But is he justified, then, just because by fulfilling his urge, it'd make his life better? Define better. I know I posed that question in a way you feel obligated to say 'no' but how many times have you said 'yes' in your life? I have.. had. And hurt people by doing so. Also, on the other side of the coin, I have been affected otherwise by people who wanted to "fufill their urges".. Sucks. Never irrevocable. 

I was reading an email that my recent ex-boyfriend wrote me and all I could hear from what he wrote was 'I had an urge to do _____ and to no regard to what that means for you and what we had/have." He cheated, then lied. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have a clean record; I am not trying to deny that. But my point is this: how/when we fulfull our needs, our wants, our desires, our urges... are we entitled to do so? What if - what we want, what we think/feel makes us happy - hurts another person? Or worst, ourselves. Even when we don't think it does at the moment.. Is there a place where we draw the line when what we do, effects another in a negative way? Are we always justified to do what it takes to "make us happy"? Is that the point of life, at all costs, do what you want to do. Fulfill those needs, satisfy those urges. As attractive as that all sounds, I'm utterly repulsed to think that is the goal of Life. Self-fulfillment.

I can hear my ex-boyfriend, saying. Do what makes you happy. I used to love hearing him say that to me. Until, of course, that ideology hurt me. He had this motto, using the words of Ayn Rand, I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. Yes, it exemplifies self-accountability, responsibility. The lack of depending on others for your needs. Do what you want but do not expect others to make those exceptions for you. We are individuals, competing for resources in this capitalistic world. If we are to achieve the best versions of ourselves, we must do whatever means to achieve that... Yet, in this context, is "best" a synonym for "happiest"?

We should all achieve to be the best version of ourselves, of course. I'm not stupid. But we are so, so interconnected with one another that very rarely do we make decisions that don't affect one another. I believe, being insensitive to that is dangerous. As simple as choosing to not put your blinker on when driving, effects the driver behind you. Or choosing to become a doctor ultimately effects many lives. For the doctor and his patients. What we choose to do not only matters for ourselves but to those close by. 

There is beauty in this osmosis of our decisions. In this intricate world we live in, where we are intermingled, the effect of one decision to another is inevitable. Whether directly or indirectly. And I get it, sometimes we have to make decisions that will make people uncomfortable, will make others feel pain, even when what we say or do is honest and even well-intended. (Although, for the record, his cheating = not well-intended. It was Selfish. His words, not mine.) But isn't that where we have/need to draw a line? What is the difference of self-fulfillment and selfishness? Both got the word, "self" in it. And of course the 'self' isn't innately bad per se. But how does one juggle with what his needs, which are dependent on the survival of the 'self' versus the what he wants, which are part of the his 'self' as well? Wait, am I missing something. What is the purpose of life..? Is it for yourself or for others? Seriously. Not rhetorical.

Yes, yes. The ideal is not absolute but a beautiful blend of both, with least amount of collateral damage. But still. Self-happiness is overrated, whops did I just say that. Ummmm I can feel people 'not liking' me at this very moment.. But I guess the first step is, define what are your 'urges' are. Because sometimes it's not as simple as "I want sex with lots of people". Rather, your  'urge' is a sentiment of not wanting to feel lonely and instead, wanting to be desired, sexy, maybe even loved. Even for a night. Agh, that's what I used to do. And to be honest, wasn't worth it. I think when you can rightfully identify that "urge" and fulfill it in a way that is true, with kindness and compassion, with integrity and courage, in regards to how it may change a life of another. I wish men of my past understood the potency of their decisions. Because the worst part of bad decisions, is that it becomes a permanent narrative in another's life. Ayn Rand's statement is limited. Yes, we should not bow down to anyone or vise versa. No one should be a bitch to anyone. But those that are selfish, those that use others to fulfill their urges, forces others to become theirs. How damaging is that.

.... For what it's worth. I think life is for others. But that's just my two cents, which may be all its worth in the end. Hah! But I believe, I hope that that's not true - the worth two cents part - not the "for others" part.


  1. Very witty and spoken about a point few people realize. Love it. hope more people figure it out before they hurt others and themselves

    1. Laura! Thank you so much taking the time to read my words. It means a lot. And yes, God this world would be so much better if we all showed a little compassion to one another. The funny thing is, the more we give to others - if every one did that - then we ourselves benefit so much from it. We'd all be in such a better place.