Wednesday, November 21, 2012

On a Year Ago.

I didn't like how I originally wrote this entry. I half-fasted it. And I knew that.

Been lagging on this entry. I passed the actual "year ago" mark and in some way to me, I feel as if the entry had lost its efficacy. But nonetheless, I find it necessary for it to be document this 'narrative' in my life. Man, what a difference a year makes... 

Last Thanksgiving I stayed at my Aunt's and slept for what I think was the longest I've ever had. 13 hrs. Yuppp. It was mid-semester, my first year in grad school. And for all those who suffered that program with me, knows exactly how it was. Swamped with endless quizzes, exams, and syllabi. I remember coming home to Rangai and feel like I could finally let down my guard. I was finally 'safe'. Life was kicking my ass. Life 1, Ellen -82.

I had just flown out to Detroit to create my own romantic film and was exhausted.. I was so dumb. So, so dumb. I was trying to resurrect, what now I see with full clarity, a relationship facing its ultimate doom. I was so gloomingly optimistic. I remember my cousin trying to cock block me from going, being the big sister that she is, prophetically knowing that if I were to go that it would be one rather painful experience. And man, was she right. Definitely in the books for worst trip ever. 

I can remember sending a picture to my girlfriends back home where I was staying for the evening. Alone. That was my Halloween 2011. Man do I know how to party. What kills me is that months later he tells me he met up with me because he "felt guilty" - You idiot. What you need to say is, "out of respect" you met up with me. I was the one that flew out there, so that you can do the dirty work of ending it. And still! You didn't. 
"... I feel really guilty for that time when you flew out here to try to keep us going because I know I was really cold and heartless that weekend -- not wanting to see you. It was the guilt that finally got me to have lunch with you. I'm sorry for wasting your time there because really I had been dating and sleeping with someone since the beginning of October. I was scared of being alone and I wanted to make sure I had someone to hold on to. I'm sorry I put you through that...  
 I never apologized for ultimately using you that entire time. I want to apologize for lying to you about all of that. I don't have any agenda except to do what is right which, again, should have done a long time ago."
This (still) brings me to tears. I don't know what's disappointing, his words or the fact that I'm still affected by them. May the records show, I am over him but not so much the break-up, or so it seems.The break-up meant, what I thought, reflected my self-worth. It's unfortunate that this sentiment still finds its way in my thoughts. But this entry wasn't to reminisce on what was but what is, now..  

A year ago, I bought a ticket to visit someone who could care less for me. I paid a taxi, a hotel, the works. To have a single lunch with him.. to end a relationship. Then, a year later, I find myself in quite the opposite predicament. Someone purchased a ticket for me to see him, met me at the airport, took care for my lodging, and had not just a lunch with me.. but multiple lunches and even a couple breakfasts (even if it was the Waffle House)! Hah this guy's awesome. And the best part of it all, was that his agenda wasn't to get into my pants or rekindle any lovin (my heart's unfortunately sitting in an ice cooler, at the moment) it was just two people that got to catch up and come from it, a sincere and honest connection for two. I'm grateful. Not only because I was in such a shitty situation a year ago but because I could also see how much work I've done to be able to "be there" and welcome in that moment so much gratitude.

So, what I'm grateful for this year, is this.. Shitty ass situations. Because it's in those moments - and we all know them so well - that when things do turn out the way it all sort of does or needs to be, we are so much more open, so willing, so evolved that the level of significance to a situation rises because we most certainly know the real value behind it. .. Like my friends from school, applying and getting accepted in medical school.. Success is so much sweeter. And because we are grateful, we can exploit this and approach what we were given with such greatness and receptivity. Crazy how shit can turn into something sweet. Hah okay, okay bad visual. Very bad visual. And with that, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!


  1. What kills me about this entry is that I met your ex at a party right when he got to med school back in the summer. He used to text and ask what I was doing all the time. I entertained the idea of pursuing it/returning his attention. Ultimately though, I knew I couldn't- my boyfriend and I had just broken up so we wouldn't have to suffer through a long distance relationship and I was still in pieces.
    I feel really dumb because I never knew he had a girlfriend- when I talked about my ex or relationships, you were never brought up. The funny thing is he completely cut off all communication around the same time in October. I never knew why. I might be completely assuming but if at some point I might have been a distraction from you in a relationship I'm sorry & feel incredibly bad. I know nothing happened between him and I (and thus this seems a bit silly) but nevertheless, it's something that doesn't deserve to happen to anyone. It's weird seeing the situation and what might have been from the other side. Quite honestly, it horrifies me a bit that some one would be so unkind and to put it bluntly, an asshole, when I thought the opposite of him.

    I've clearly overwritten on this post, I hope you don't mind. If you ever end up in Detroit again I'd love to show you around the city or at least give you a better experience.
    ...promise I'm not a creepy old man sitting in a basement beating off in his underwear or something like that (was that too graphic?)

    1. I really appreciate this. Yeah, we dated for almost 3 years and lived for a year and a half in Boston. I always wondered if anyone from his school knew what was going on. It hurts me because, despite what ever he obviously didn't tell anyone, I think I'm worth it to someone to be proud about that their dating me. I'm not crazy or mean or rude. I'd like to believe that I'm a good person and I didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

      Sadly, I don't think you were the only person that he was 'talking to' too and from the grapevine I heard he's dating - maybe even engaged - to someone from his class now. But for what it's worth, your apology (though it is not in any way your fault for his poor actions) is so sweet of you. The apology from you, I don't need. You did nothing wrong. But your empathy and concern are very well-received!

      In the end of the day, all of this reaffirms me how happy I am that he isn't a part of my life now. There is always a silver lining and I'm glad that moments like these reveal itself and I am reminded how blessed I am to have 'dodged a bullet' with this guy. Unfortunately, he also stopped talking to me in October but when I flew out there in Nov (Read Romantic Films), he then continued to keep in touch with me and strung me along until Jan because ultimately he "didn't want to be alone". It's the worst - to be used. And it still bothers me sometimes but ironically, though I don't need someone to make me feel better, there is a man in my life right now that treats me in a way that I forgot how good it is to be with someone that is honest and kind and most importantly, not selfish. Hah unfortunatel I'm only slightly scarred from the previous so I'm taking my time with this one. But the best part is that I can receive what he offers with so much appreciation because of what had happened to me in the past.

      Thank you for your words. And yes! IF ever I migrate somewhere in Detroit, I would love to meet for coffee and a hug. Again, not in a creeper kind of way! (Also, never too graphic. Never! Hah)

    2. Trust me. There are so many other people that are equally baffled by how he was able to pull all this off and always maintain such a spotless image. There are plenty other women he's lied to and you're not the only he's treated this way. I'm very sorry for your pain. For everyone's pain. I'm sorry someine like him can walk around being that heartless and selfish. No one knew about you, and it's not because you're worth any less, it's just him.

  2. Wow...

    I love you, El!