So today I met up with a psychic in Santa Monica when walking with my mother. Santa Monica, in general, has been a place where my mom and I would walk around whenever I am in town. It's sorta our thing, even when I was a fetus. She'd walk around here during her lunch breaks when she worked in LA, still in her belly when she was pregnant with me. These trips to SM is our time where we share our most intimate conversations, and other times we may not even say a word. Today was more of those quieter walks but never less important.
When I went to get my cup of coffee during/after our walk, I bumped into this psychic reader. She turned out to be phenomenal and not just for her skills in reading either. She was loud, hilarious, and dare I say from New York. Which is probably why we hit it off so well. I asked her how much it would cost and she said, a cup of coffee. So I went back to the coffee shop, got a cup, and sat down with her.
She asked my first name, my birth date and horoscope sign. And we took it from there. Instead of it feeling like my palm was being read, it felt more like talking to a great aunt. Who knew of me well and my family enough to generate some words of wisdom. But the thing is, she was a complete stranger. And she acted as if she knew my whole story and even stories of the people in my life, so well. I can argue that she knew of me because I am an open book. Goodness, let it be said, for those who may not know me, you can know me by just reading my face :) She mentioned it was my 'face value' that made me so trusting. The only thing is, is that it also leaves me prone to too much exposure. I told her I open myself in hope for the possibility of reciprocation from others. I enjoy the exchange. The swapping of spirits. She said its my "cheerful vulnerability" that makes me so delicious. But it can also burn if I am not careful with to whom I share my goods to.
She also said how freekin sensitive I am. She tried to sugar coat it since obviously, I am sensitive (wah wah) but she eventually blurted it out that it is the best and the worst of me. She said my sensitivity allows me to approach others with an honest sincerity, which in turn allows people to trust me with their stories and be more receptive. I joked with her that it was because I was 5'2 and looked harmless, so it made it easier for people to trust me. She said I inherited it from my father; I agreed.
As much as I love to soak up the thoughts and feelings and stories of others, I in turn love pouring out my thoughts and feeling and stories, too. So here I am, pooping out every single emotion to anyone and everyone around me. Whether I just met you or been with you forever, I will - with no regard - let you know how I feel, think, do at any one moment. Even if I tell myself I won't. I will. This I can promise you. The problem is: here I am enthusiastically moving full-force with heart open, mind not filtered, going around feeling every feeling and then! I would express each single emotion without any constraint. I justify that I am only being honest with the moment, but she said, 'Honey, you have emotions stalked up in you that can last for decades, for at least 10 people. Filter that shit out now." Don't act on impulse, use the intelligent mind of yours, and stop it. Just stop.
She finished up by saying that I am where I am now because I did not take into account the effects of how I distributed these thoughts of mine, to others. It made others feel responsible for those feelings because they cared for me so much. But in the end, was it worth it? Feelings are fleeing. And for someone with as much faith as I do, I was running on what was given to me that I can touch and hear. What should of grounded me was my rationale, my work, my intuition.
I'm so over feelings now and just want to work. I actually miss studying physiology. She said it's great that I think that everyone anyone is deserving of Love (she hasn't even read my blogs, yet she knew) but that not everyone needs to know and be a part of my life. This whole experience wasn't that I got so much insight about my future, she didn't tell me much to be honest, she said it was too early and not yet ripe for her to tell me what's up. But she gave me more of an understanding that the past ain't gonna do anything for me, the future isn't quiet defined (thank God!), and so the only thing that matters now, is now. Do the work and then everything else will follow. Word up, Psychic lady. I will do the do.