Monday, December 5, 2011

On Saying Love.

So the other night was the first night I got to say I love you, without indulging too much into my own. What does that mean? I did not have to say those words and feel as if I was giving more of myself than what I wanted to. I choose the intention behind my speech and mediated how much I wanted to give in my own terms. Not pouring more than what I needed to give.

The best part of that experience was that I did not have to explain myself. Which only proves that I never had to since the beginning. Realizing that I care of another person, yet knowing that I get to dictate the boundaries of what I can give, has made this exchange much more bearable. I thought that because I consumed such overwhelming amount of Love, so much in fact that I was choking on it that I had to do this Heimlich maneuver to get this love out of me. Forcing it with such abnormality. Thinking that if I did not, at that exact moment, I would die of some injustice to the emotion. This could not be so far from the truth.

This isn't a race, it isn't a competition. And more importantly, it isn't a game. When you love someone. We think responsibility. Work. But is it? Should it be? Relationships are. Holy shit they are. There are all these logistical matters that comes into play when a title exists, expectations build and if not grounded, can be easily toppled over by circumstance. But when you are reminded of what brought you two together, this simple feeling of Love that was the core of where that connection stemmed from, you realize that that was enough. All that frou frou that surrounded that relationship was not necessary. I want to believe that the longevity of a relationship is not solely based upon the work put into it but also the honesty intention of the sentiment shared between the two.

I think that part of the reason why we run away from love is because it is intimidating. It's inconvenient, it's uncomfortable. It takes so much out of you. Feeling like, every time you have to say these words, you have to give so much of yourself to be true to this responsibility. It was for me. I was exhausted, and I shouldn't have been. Love doesn't give a shit about the technicalities that come with a relationship that we often create for ourselves. It receives what it can and gives what it needs. There are no rules. It is self-sustaining, rejuvenating. Like its own little self-stemming cell. Self-replicating over and over again.

I think that is why I was so happy the other day. I felt satisfied with what I offered and I did not need any thing in return. I did not feel limited nor exhausted. I felt good. In the past, I always worked way too hard in my relationships. Thinking that at any moment, had I not had some control over it if not all, it would not exist. What little faith for someone that believes in so much. I think nonetheless that the core of my overcompensation was because I thought I was not enough (which now I know is not true). Luckily, Love does not care about what I think She is or should be. She exists whether or not I think She can. And She continues to tell me who She is, regardless of how fixated I am be. Telling me over and over again that what I think I need to do to love and be loved is less work than what I have made it to be. So with that I break all my attempts to control the expression of Her. Allowing Her word to be enough, way more than enough.

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