Friday, December 30, 2011

On Doubt.

I was unhappy for a very, very long time. The past couple of years of not-knowing, not being certain of any pathway that was available for me in order to pursue the career I wanted. Even with knowing what my vocation was, I still felt vulnerable, unhopeful, almost unhappy. Does unhappiness have to co-exist with uncertainty? When is anything certain?

I spoke to an old friend the other day, and caught up since it's been almost two years. Although we had so much to share, there were yet not enough words to exchange. We came to a discussion about how you just never know whether or not the person you may love, can leave at any one point. Disrupt the plans you may had in mind and question your self-worth. I should add that it was an ex-bf of four years. Weird conversation to have with a former lover. Let me tell you. Anyways, there seems to be this lingering doubt, until possibly one gets married, if that person you love now will stick it through the end. At any one point, love may depart. Which is fine and quite sufficient. Just painful sometimes, for both parties. So, goin back to the uncertainty, when you realize that this is [this, meaning life changing up on you] is all inevitable, then the real question is, what good can come from investing into something when the final outcome is not necessarily certain? When is it ever?

For the most part, these risks - this delving into the unknown has been good to me. Don't get me wrong, this jumping into the uncertain has made me semi-crazy. I write this with a tearful smile because it's taken me awhile to be here. Where, although I am not the most comfortable, I am content. Striving. Full. I have been wanting to feel like this for a very long time. After moving out to New York, I was so unsure about so many things. I moved without having a tangible future yet knew that what I had in San Diego was just not enough. I had to believe there was something at the end of the road, better than the life I had at the moment. Even now, I would have never thought that I would be here in Boston, in graduate school, in my own studio, single. Never thought I would be here but I am. And the scary part is - I am happy.

So even with all that doubt about where I will be, who I would be with, how it was all going to 'happen' - the outcome is still the same. I am grateful even though the ending result was not as originally hypothesized. Ultimately the energy to question was pointless. Because. Though life in itself is one huge ass variable, there was one constant. Me. As long as I can approach each circumstance, each decision, each relationship with my best effort, then I could trust that the "me" was enough. To doubt is predictable but not sustainable. Hope sort of finds its way through, even in the most skeptic. Now I'm not saying that  That even when you may not know the outcome, you still believe the world will work in your favor. Now, I'm not saying that you should throw your hands up in the world cuz the universe gots your back in everything or God is your homeboy, though all this can be true at times. I just don't believe that everything happens for a reason anymore. Because despite where you lie in favors with the world, you still need to put in your earnest labor towards whatever it is, with honest intention, and constant integrity. You. All you. 

People, decisions, plans, careers.. change often. And its a hell of a lot easier accepting that, even empowering to understand that those things constantly morph, at any one point, at times often what  deems as the worst time possible. The only bad thing you can do to hurt you is attach too much to whatever that is and so then when/if it flees, you are left with a lot less than expected. So, in my mother's words.. Do you first. When you have you, when shit hits the fan, that work you've put into yourself can't be 'taken away' by circumstance. Yet! 

To relish a little bit on my mother's motto of "you are the only one to take care of yourself in the end" as much as that is true - I would like to add one thing to it. Yes, you need to "do you" because there is this resilience to life that one needs to get/can get from within. But once that is 'down' - that strength of "yourself" is grounded. The only way it can be even more attenuated is when it (you) can extend beyond yourself and that world of y ours. When you use what you know, what you understand and be - with those around you - god it's just ridiculously awesome. Use those resources, those friends, use the support  - provide the support. For yourself and for others. The motivation, the core, of course needs to come from within, yes. But with the surmount of doubt that exists in the world, you need sometimes all the help you can get to stay just above water. Do you but mix it up a bit and mix it in with a little love from others. 

1 comment:

  1. I have been feeling this doubt and uncertainty...and you just put in to words exactly what I am feeling...