Wednesday, October 19, 2011

On Losing Someone.

Today, my best friend's ninang had passed away this morning. It is ridiculously surreal on how fast a life can be taken away. She was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer just shy of about 6 weeks ago. The family thought that, if anything, they would at least have the holidays together this year. To think, that this is no longer feasible must be overwhelmingly painful. Even though holidays may be tedious and sometimes a burden, I can't imagine how it must feel for them to want just that hour with her, that day, that moment to create just one more memory.

Funny thing, though there is nothing funny about death, is that I've been thinking about death lately. Or rather, my thoughts have been towards those that have passed away in my life. My mother recently came back from Hawaii, a place where there are strong ties with my father and his passing. I have actually been thinking about him more, simply because I'm back in school again (after a number of years) and there are so many questions I'd want to ask him. My father was a professor, and I would love to have a conversation with him, extracting any words of wisdom, listening to his own voice. I miss him today as in any other day that I think of him. Mourning is all relative.

The one unique thing about when you loose someone, though, is that their impression on you never leaves. It's like a perfume that just lingers on you the whole day.  For all the good and the bad, what they meant to you when they were alive and when they were not, changes how you perceive the world ongoing. I am who I am because my father is not here. One thing that has come out of losing my father is that, I worry sometimes that I can loose anyone at any one point. I think people can leave, can die, can just go anywhere, at any one point. Call it as you will, though the word co-dependeny makes me nauseous nor would I ever admit this to myself. But I just think, if it can happen with my father, with my friend's godmother, it can happen to anyone. You just don't know.

Now, I don't suggest clamping your claws to every person that you love and care for, thinking that at any time they could die or leave you, that in itself is a serious problem. (Something I'm figuring out, rather unfortunately). But I do suggest for those that have have loved ones that are alive and well, to not take any moment for granted. Live every moment, consciously, with them. Okay, enough with the cliches. Back to studying, I'd like to think that's what my father would say to me right about now.

My prayers are with the San Buenaventura family tonight. I am so sorry for your loss.

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