On Reactions/Relationships.

So, I spent my day studying biochemical reactions. Glycolysis, gluconeogenesis, glycogenolysis, fatty acid oxidation & synthesis, ketogenesis, synthesis of cholesterol, synthesis of triglycerides, different shuttles to move things from one end to another. SO full of reactions, I am gushing out of my ears with ways on how to produce ATP. It's kind of gross. 

But as I am willfully submerging myself in this material, I can not stop my mind from wondering about  these reactions as one giant, romantic analogy for love. One would be surprised that even amongst the most rigid, almost catatonic subjects, you can still find that even within its own language, there is much to say let alone learn from all these biological mechanisms that relate to love, life, and relationships. Heck, if these rules and pathways work for cells, it must work in our context with our day to day lives. Right? 

For example, there are points in a reaction where it enters a point called the "rate-limiting step". Once the reaction commits to this one step, it is committed. It can't turn back. Too much energy has been invested; there is only one direction at that point. And it is forward. 

I am at a point in my life where I can commit or not. I am already far too deep in my own shit that I've created for myself that I now have to make a decision and trust in it. Head first, jumping through heaps of fire, staying put in this decision as a whole person. Because. At this point, my decision is unidirectional. Whether this commitment is to my career, to my relationships, my faith, my being I am in at a point where almost everything matters. There is no room for complacency. I have already done the field work and fought with the consequences - that I just do NOT have enough energy to be apathetic. 

The "rate-limiting step" is also where there many points of regulation that can occur. Meaning, outside contributors may influence the outcome. These factors can activate, inactivate, enhance, suppress, modify- a number of things. Like everything else in life, there are many, many things that can contribute to the growth or death of something alive, active, well. Externally, internally. You just have to hope that these avenues of  intervention come with honest intentions and worth it. 

Lastly, there are also pathologies that can occur in a reaction. Any reaction, come to think of it, is vulnerable to some kind of malfunction. Malfunction in either, a receptor (the receiving end of some cell or entry), amount of substrate or enzyme available (energy, content, etc), or it may be just even a single mutation that changes ev-ery-thing. In the result of some obstruction, a build-up occurs where there will be too much of one thing. It just builds and Builds and BUILDS until.. mayhem.

I was the obstruction. the gallstone, the mutated gene. I brought this pathology onto myself. I am learning though, and I will probably continue to learn from this every day. Fortunately and unfortunately. This was all inevitable, yet simultaneously necessary. What my hope is, is that a more evolved, more developed organism will arise from all of this. 

I am at my rate-limiting step. So be it. What I can only hope at this point, is that the path that I ultimately choose may enhance the final product. Amen to that.