Just halfway through the semester of this program, my eye sight is deteriorating. This is full-blown, blind as a bat, must sit at the second row. Or else. It is not even at the point when things are slightly hazy. This is "I can't tell you who you are unless your standing 5 feet in front of me" ordeal. Story of my life.
The funny, though not so funny thing, is that my physical degradation of my eyesight is analogous, yet opposite to my own internal decay of my insight. The problem with my eyes is that I cannot see anything of far distances. But in my own life, with my optical soul, I could see everything but what was in front of me.
What I could see, or rather what I choose to see, was of things or circumstances that were of far, far distances. And I mean, faaaaaaaaaar. Quantitatively, I'm talking about the next five to ten years of my life. I put all my energy, my love, my thoughts into the intangible things of my 10 year plan. I never thought I was that kind of person nor would I ever would have wanted to be. But I was. And it was disgusting. The result was as painful as the epiphany, and I regret it as such.
I kept on trying to fill in the blanks: where I will live, what career I will have, who it will be with - doing so in this daydream fashion. What I forgot to add in the equation is: the work, the sacrifice, the hours, the decisions that need to be made that are essential for these speculations to come to existence.
Nothing that I could see then or would want to see was the, now. I failed to see what was vital for, now. The decisions and sacrifices I need to make, now. Not who I want to be with but rather who I want to be. What character and soul would I need to develop to make my goals a reality, now. The reality of what I would need to make my life become, all of it a blur.
I lost many a things because of this very hyperopia vision.
Pretty much, I focused everything - my time, energy, thoughts, love - and threw it (rather, shoved it) into the irrelevant and inadequate. This make-believe future. What is important, the heart and brain of this endeavor was and has been in front of me this whole time. Staring at me, waiting for me to make my move before any further damage can occur. I need a prescription of glasses for my soul? Preferably before the Christmas break. I have lost more than just my sight in these past 2 months and too much of it.
Instead of being able to see and appreciate the meaning behind my actions of the moment, I lost prudence and made a frivolous life out of it. I have not been able to see the bigger picture on many, many levels that. I am not sure which was more skewed. My ability to not understand the responsibilities of my life or the inability to see why those responsibilities are so significant. The only things I could see was what I wanted to see. My shutters were blared outward. Useless and unproductive. The focus must and is from within. What was I doing. What can I do. It's so blatantly obvious that it's sad that I didn't see it earlier.
If you may not have time to read this, I highly recommend this RSAnimate Talk. He is far more eloquent than I. Plus, there's cool pictures: http://www.ted.com/talks/iain_mcgilchrist_the_divided_brain.html