Saturday, November 26, 2011

On what I Deserve.

Part II of the III Series. Going off of what I believe, I also know now what I deserve. Thanks to my family and their gracious reminders. And although the unconditional is something not innate in us, I believe I know that we can get pretty damn close to it. With compassion, forgiveness, honesty. And all that other good stuff. 

Unconditional Love. What is it? I googled it the other day and got this:

Loving someone unconditionally does not mean that we must sacrifice ourselves for them, nor does loving someone unconditionally mean that we must have that person in our life. Unconditional love does not require one to love another, and want nothing in return. There is no sin in wanting to be loved in return. Wanting to share love, wanting to give and receive love is as natural as breathing. To suggest that we should love and want nothing in return is unrealistic. Love for the individual needs balance. We will not always receive love in return, which does not change our love, if our love is real. We can feel love, and not give our to another, but not giving our to another, does not change the love which we feel.

I know the word "deserve" and "should" are annoying. To say I deserve something comes with so much weight. But I do believe that we, as people that care for one another, are worth plenty. And so when we love, we should in turn receive love. Don't get me wrong, I do not mean that love is this score card that measures our quid pro quos - you gave me this, I should give you this. Love is and will never be that boring, quite the opposite. 

Like the heart, we should be able to receive the same amount that we put out. Our vitality depends on it. Every day our hearts modulate between the two to ensure a constant flow. Now if only there was something that can modulate me and my actions. My goodness, I love. So much. In fact, my output is tremendous and am surprised sometimes on how much there is of me to give. Makes me wonder what I am compensating to do this or if there is any compensation at all. I'd like to think that I am this bottomless pit of oozing love (heh) but recently, I am not quite sure. I might've 'accidentally' tapped into my end systolic self and it wasn't pretty. It's like one of those things where it was nice to say you did but probably won't ever do again. I was honored to do that but I also know I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. It left me a half-filled heart.

A one-sided affair is not sexy. It was actually pretty tiresome, this selfless kind of love. It was never love if you have to give more than yourself. Love is to be an exchange. A swamping of thoughts, love, ideas, fluids, memories. And the cool thing about all this is that we were meant for this, to feel this, we deserve to be part of it all. Whether we like it or not. And how do I know this? Isn't it obvious? Because when it does happens, it comes so natural and we become overwhelmed with this inexplicable joy. Reaffirming that that is good. Yes, barf away but I'm serious!

But here's the problem with this set-up. If we can only give what we have to offer, then what happens when we are limited in what we have. Not because you do not want to pump it up but because the resources around you is lacking. Let it be time, space, energy, etc. Are you then not deserving of love? No. Hell no. I think if anything, you may need it ever the more. But then I guess the next step is to define what is love. Is it counted by the number of phone calls or text messages we get through the day? No. Habitual tendencies in reaction to boredom are not expressions of love. Rather, I believe it is measured on how we feel when you have a conversation or when you are able to receive a hug from them. Like I said, Love is a much more interesting entity than what we've made it to be. The best part of it all, that I have come to learn, is that we get to define those terms, discern its significance, and distribute it accordingly. The best part is knowing that I have the choice. I've always had a choice. 

Love is meant to be reciprocated. More importantly sans conditions. I believe in this love that is uplifting, grandiose, extreme, honest, joyful, tearful and all the in-betweens. I don't mean for such a tall order but I know, you know it feels that good. And heck, I'm flexible in whatever form it comes in. It does not have to come of equal action but rather equal intention. I know we have different ways of expressing love, I know we all have different priorities, time constraints, energy available - all of which vary from person to person. I know this. And accept it. But in how ever ways it is given to me I deserve an equal flow of intent. As do all of you. 

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