Thursday, November 24, 2011

On what I Believe.

This is one of three of series for the Thanksgiving Holiday break. With the extra time for personal givings, food, and conversation, I thought this may be a good time to make this all happen. So as you digest your food, I too will be digesting some of my own sentimental meals. So if you find yourself bored of watching yet another rerun of the Thanksgiving Macy's parade. I'll be here hopefully as a light read. Bon Appetite!

They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe. (Mos Def)

You want to believe in something. Let it be Love. God, gods, USA Government, the Sciences. Medicine. Anything. I cannot imagine a world without that something, which exists in real space and time but lives in a way that is bigger than ourselves. Without it, I find it so difficult to live. The world is large enough already - with all its guts and glory, bullshit and ideals - it is way too easy to wander around aimlessly without there being something to ground yourself when things get shifted. Believing in something makes what is, concrete. Preventing the tilting that inevitably comes around when things seem to go to shit.

This feeling that someone believes in you, and you in them is insoluble.  Whether it is to a single person or to an institution, it is uplifting. The act of faith is intrinsic. Believing in others, as well as ourselves, is what we do. I want to believe in people. In myself. This may be a lame reference but when I was watching a  Modern Family episode, where Phil was talking to his father-in-law Jay Pritchett (Al Bundy) about whether or not he should leave his current job for a new one. Phil was hesitant and doubted whether or not he was capable of leaving, but Jay told Phil that he should "Gamble on yourself. I'd gamble on you" and with that, Phil made the big decision. But it was the believing in him, in his capabilities, in his goals. This extra support of faith that sustains us. It's so fulfilling in that it pushes us even past where we sometimes view ourselves. After watching the episode, I walked around school that day with a pep in my step. It also could've been the fact that I was on my 5th coffee that day. But, nevertheless, it was a good feeling.

Okay, let's be honest. What I wanted to really talk about is how much I believe in Love. So much in fact that it barfilicious. If only I put as much faith in myself as much as I put in this "in love" business, I'd be rich with arrogance. The good kind of course. When I look back at my old relationships, leaving some or having some leave, I always believed that there was this much higher power in Love that, as long as it was honest, it will find its place back in my universe. From my last relationship, my whole justification was that even though it was the end of a very long-term relationship, there was an evident love that was loss and that we did not have enough to sustain the connection. So, that it was. Grief but gone. This time, though, it is much more difficult to trust the end since I believe that our love is still sustainable, just the circumstances and schedules make it impossible to practice. So, is that how Love exists? Only when convenient. For all the times I have had a brief encounter with real love, no. So then how do I justify the ending of this story? Does Love still have my best interest in mind? Do I believe that Love still loves me? Agh so lame. 

For me, my love exists in a way much more intimate than a friend. So what do I do. Love but not.. I want to believe that the circumstances and priorities were main culprits here but then if that is the case, where does the love go? Is there a place where I can tuck this all away? I know that the conditions are so apparent and will not change anytime soon. But what am I supposed to do until then? Or is there even an 'until then' to wait for. No, there is isn't. I have always believed in Love. But now, I have evolved to this unfamiliar of becoming a skepticAt this point, I don't know if it'll ever return or come back. Not necessarily the person, but Love. Whether as a new form, a new person, a new anything. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I always did believe that with God, whenever faced with what felt like the most difficult tribulation, I could sit in it and believe that although it was as tortuous and unbecoming, there still lies this underlying benevolent intention from the universe. And with that, I could trust it more and allow it to do its thing. But this time, my heart lacks the faith. The weird thing is that I am where I am supposed to be physically, with my career, friends, heck even Boston. But this place where I sit now in my heart- is foreign, uncomfortable, sad. 

I want to believe. I want to practice this act of faith. I think the beauty of believing, particularly anything beyond the definition of you, is that more often than not, it is in the process of this faith, that we evolve into something in turn bigger than yourself. Something unimaginable tangible. I want to believe in something again, something beyond my limited perception and know how. I want this entity - may it be the institution of Love or faith in myself again, to consume me and bring me back to what is familiar. Where I am happy again.

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